[Split Eight]

Originally Posted by Mr. J

A world, forgotten by society, rotting inside of me..
I'm distraught. I'm lost, thwarted by variety
a ghost, a zombie, and other thoughts that hide in me
the wrong sobriety, it haunts me quietly
subconsciously I'm shaken as the silence stirs.
I bond with iron nerves. that rust behind my words

Transition was smooth as fuck. "The wrong sobriety" was a sweet concept.

...words that echo beyond the night, I search...
I find nothing, create balance between wine & herbs
a shining light to expose whatever I've observed
nothing..it's insanity, a hell hound whose bite is worst..

Wish that instead of saying 'a shining light to expose whatever I've observed' you'd been more specific.. Feel like that line could be cut, or rather replaced with something more visceral to give some background or fill to the emotion/ experience you're outlining.

Cerberus, in my cerebellum, that I can't conceal
it traps my will & manipulates my lack of pills..
the Baskervilles, how could you ask me to act so ill.

Dope flow through here and cool reference.

place me on the edge with no reflection..I'm captured still
craving the blood of humanity to silence the ridicule
to prolong my life, do I really have to live with you?
on a regular basis, I'm regular, faceless...
off centered debates normally say I'm better than basic
a veterans hatred manipulated by insensitive racists
maybe not...
at the end of the day it's just another crazy thought...

Really tightly wound end to the verse.

Quality of writing was definitely all there, but I feel like at times this lacked direction. Your non-league writing has always leaned towards free-association, and I have no qualms with that because I feel like the sheer variety to your writing even within your verses is what makes your competitive stuff so versatile. The only downside to this is that without arriving at an end or conclusion, satisfying some initial claim, or tying together the threads of a story with the swift pull like tying a swooping knot, there's little sense of greater satisfaction when finishing one of your verses

Kind of like this theory about wants/ desires I remember from Ethics. People have basic, short-term wants/ desires (lower pleasures like eating a slice of pie, getting a sweet BJ, taking a massive dump) and then longer-term ones (higher pleasures like getting a degree in a university, having a family)

So the connection is that people will really enjoy verses like this, without a greater framework but a lot of small dope sections interconnected, but REALLY enjoy the verses that are organized into fulfilling some greater purpose or achieving a complex/ higher-level end goal.

Sometimes it's hard to critique/ respond to something that doesn't attempt to develop into something more abstract outside the scope of individual lines, because the majority of writers can do the smaller stuff really well.

You just dont get credit for doing the smaller stuff really fucking well.

ON TOPIC AGAIN. Pop culture references/ concepts are always super on point, I feel like you are one of the few topical writers who have clean 2 bar setup/ delivery execution like some of the battlers, a style you've really made your own & one that couldnt be mistaken for anyone elses.

Dope shit Q. One of my favorite writers, for real. The definition of laidback/ fun writing.

Keep dropping