[Pharaohs Army]

There's got to be a reason you ended it that way. I just don't know it. My first instinct is to tell you that it'd be much better without the last 2 lines...
I mean I could speculate a lot on it, including that maybe you just put it there to fuck with people, or that the "I" (you) in this piece is insane, or perhaps I'm not knowledgeable about a tv or movie- man-in-red... I lean towards my first guess


As far as the rest of it
There were birds in the air…somewhere, I couldn't see them. They were probably hanging out on a power-line dreaming of what it must be like to crawl. I’d tell them it’s no life at all and they’d fly away not believing, and I’d just walk.
^This is vintage Zen tbh and it's an example of just really good writing.

my neurological pleasurechemicals perked up when I read clerk at the desk / plump at the hips in that third line there.

Content-wise? it's good descriptions. i get a melancholy vibe, and a sense of just... "Just".. but this is not a negative; you are usually able to dig into the mundane or unnoticed things in the world, both tangible and human interactions- and make them interesting to analyze or describe. On a very basic level that is what writers do.

Of course that whole paragraph above was kind of like, me denying in my head that the ending happened and just analyzing the "build-up"... I can't help it.