I think it was you that said before that you are trying to set up your verses how you want them to be read, which basically equates to punctuating and hitting enter at the right time. For the most part I could read it how (I think) you intended it to be read, but I think it could be clearer. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:
I was never caged. But in a strange way I'm free.
Hey love, I used to be an emcee. They read the first line here n made funna me
^This is how you originally posted it.
And how I think it should be formatted:
I was never caged, but in a strange way I'm free.
Hey, love,
I used to be an emcee.
They read the first line here n made funna me
^This to me feels like a much smoother read.
Another thing is that your verses are a bit wordy. Cut the fat out. “pleasure chemicals” is completely unnecessary and is the most obvious thing I would cut out. Small words here or there could be cut out, too. Anything that doesn’t add to a sentence in any way, and is completely unnecessary, cut it.
The way I usually write these days is to type up a paragraph of whatever it is that I’m thinking at the time, and then I go back and make it rhyme (like this sentence). It’s weird, but if you’re looking to write more “prosey” type of shit, then maybe try that? It’s a weird process, but I enjoy it.
I’m just here being a critic, brah. The best advice I’ve found is criticism so don’t think I’m in here being an asshole. I’m just giving my two cents on where (I think) it could be improved, but ultimately the call is yours. Peace, man.
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