[Split Eight]

Girl, you listen, is your clamshell world a prison?
While I’m asleep—diving deep for a pearl of wisdom
Let’s make the Earth twist as we twirl positions
Watch the sun break sky, unwind and hurl the prism

>didn't like "hurl the prism"


Crash with color, you pastel smothered bashful lover
Fan the flames, ashes hover in bland remains
Your lashes flutter, I shudder in a clap of chains
Can I ask your name, Miss Venus of an astral plane?
From stars we wish, the reason that Mars exists
The same prick in my pride, lying with scars to stitch
The art of hips, curves of your lips, defying the laws of it
A permanent kiss gripped, prying my heart to fit

>aight


Open wide, provoking eyes, lying in your mind’s midst
Open skies, floating by, flying in a blind bliss
Open sighs, hoping I’m finding you in time Miss
Open night, close the day—dying you’ve gone away.

>dope dope dope. Variations on a theme are sick & this was nice

Blood in the sands, this hourglass stands—
As a test of time, Let’s resurrect these lines—
With a last dance, stepping to a brass band—
Her ring on her finger lingers next to mine
Watch my arms race, inking an odyssey
An armory can’t keep us safe from harmony
Melancholy melodies, my artery for artistry
Is the hole in my heart that holds you apart
Part of me pardons me, as a whole it’s a farce
Whispering nothing but secrets stolen at dark
Pour the wine slowly, For your eyes only—
Pierce me deep sea, the roar of the tides on me
Capsize my limbs, but Baby, baptize within
I swim in these sentiments, dive with a pen
War from the start of it, I never put my heart in it
On my honor it’s, wrapped in this armistice.

>more cliche than the beginning.

Spring to life pictures, this page of white winter
For her, sweet nothings, everything in night whispers
A nerve, hunts for the meaning—pleasure or pain
Prey that I’m dreaming or waking together again

>thought this was dope

Jet stream of consciousness, shaping whether it rains—
A verse condensing the hurt—lines sever the veins
Melt me open hearted, felt the emotions broke free
Into a scene of make believe blown in the breeze
Tides of time slipped away days in waves from me
You and I were passersby wading in its streams
Lost and found you at last, Ex drawn on my map
Treasuring your memory . . . drowned in my past
In an ocean of emotion, I sit, bleeding this pen

>awesome


Sailing all night, so I, sea you again
In an ocean of emotion, I sit, bleeding this pen
Sailing all night, so I, sea you again.

I thought overall this was good but some lines were trite or could've been cut IMO.

This is old though so a piece remainin fresh all these years later is an accomplishment in and of itself. Some great twists of language here and there, impressed by the style rather than the story