Adonis - Something about the way this developed as a piece with a message was needlessly dull, like I knew there was life to the words but it came out pale and uninspired to me. That is, until the ending sequence which I felt was well played and saved the piece. It could just be how I read it, or the fact that I read two military themed verses this week and this is the third... either way, it was written in sly fashion with good instincts. You find a way to say average things in original ways, not to mention giving it a hip hop element. I'd like to see a bit more imagery from you - this is again just my taste preference. I'm seeing a lot of general overviews when there's tons of room for rejuvinating examples pertinent to the topic at hand.
Zeedee - I feel as though you should consider taking a more ambitious direction with your diction, like bring more diverse word usage into the equation, because your verse already has the essential ingredients to aid the reader in their quest. I also think that you can enhance that by taking a few more risks, like adding more of a personal touch, naming these places and locations, giving us a flashback, or an overarching theme floating in the foreground waiting to be tapped into. The first two stanzas were fire and I was confident I was going to vote for you. The pacing was fluent, no real issues there with the flow, which was solid 90% of the time. A few bars had forced flow for the sake of maintaining a multi but didn't do anything to hurt the verse's progression. Overall I liked it, but the ending line didn't leave me with a strong impression IMO:
"And these lies become history, which only means that they won"
'which only means that they won' was ehh to me. Wasn't up to the standard of the beginning.
Vote - Zeedee
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