[UnbornBuddha]

Ribbit: The first thing that is crucial for you to begin unravel is refinement. Your verse needs to be critically examined, in terms of punctuation and all the other elements that give that pristine sheen that writers aspire for. In other words, editing. Because a lot of it comes off as nonsensical, to be honest. Now while there is an underlying theme here, it is very crassly put together. So read it out loud, not once, twice, but perhaps three. four, or five times. Also read more, so you can enlighten yourself with the clarity that words can reflect. Also, there's a crux here, the reference to yourself, which when done right it is a tool that can bring a creative edge. But, here it just came off as rather odd. Now, not to say there aren't tidbits where you don't get the ball rolling and have some real substance, but it is hidden among argot and blatter. I suggest focusing on vernacular and then building from there.

Tyson: Yours had a vague association to the topic. One pro is that it had was flow, a long winded one, but a flow nonetheless. Still you conveyed your story clearly. But, honestly I did not resonate much with the approach either. It was very uninspired and thus this feeling transmits to the reader. It was decent, not great, but average. Obviously this is conveyed by the last sentence, which you declared that you didn't finish. Now, even if you didn't finish, I think it's wise not to put it in because I as a reader do not know that you didn't finish. And it leaves a bad impression to emphasize it at the end. It also adds a further judgment on your piece, with negative implications. Nevertheless, I do feel that this verse was more poignant.

Vote: Tyson