Quote:
Originally Posted by timeless
Eyes engulfed, edging towards an ecstatic end to your existence,
I ran 'til I reached the horizon. Heart bleeding all iron.
|
I enjoyed the alliteration. Usually not a big fan of that because some people do it just for the technicality of it, but this made sense. The bleeding iron part, that just stood out so much for me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ullr
The sons of the resistance, they're young and with persistence
their thunderous insistence - their lives the sum of the existence
of their fathers before 'em, living in peace, they never bothered to warn 'em
of days in the past and getting shot at the forum, stuffed in a box, in a coffin ad mortem
No word of the cops that'd stop and transport 'em nor the all the witnessed slaughter and horror
but held they committed, to principles and actions, their nimble interactions to rebuild their splintered faction
.
|
I liked the whole rhyme scheme for the first part I quoted. Also, I felt like this was a story that could actually relate to the picture. With timeless verse, I had to scroll up to see what the picture was and try to make a connection with it. Yours was more straight forward with the topic at hand, and I kind of enjoyed that.
The second part I quoted, I didn't like the rhyme scheme. I don't like how it went from 6 syllables to 4 syllables, that threw the rhythm I had off. Overall, a solid piece.
I feel like timeless wasn't as direct with the topic in hand, which can sometimes work for you, but, I don't think that was the case this time around. Solid drops from both, but I enjoyed Ullr's verse more & I felt it fit the topic better.
vUllr