Fraze
"plans don't always work like clocks
though it seems unorthodox
I'd rather stand on principle
your principle is stand and watch
thinking simple standard thoughts
standardized for scanning dots
while I fractal the lames... only set I claim is Mandelbrot's
infinite expansion with the gift to gab at random
unplanned so i can handle any topic I am handed
break down subject matter like the bonds were just covalent
then pull it all together like the forces between planets"
Ok so this part is just on a roll bro. The simple nature pf the flow and diction os apparent but i feel like you created this background that just sinks into the reader. Well at least this part is. Fucking dope man. The rest of the piece is good but not as good as the part I quoted. I felt like you direction got lost a bit and at times i coildnt really picture the topic wthin your lines. Felt like both of you went a little vague at times. But you seem to carry the plot a little better. Great post and tbh you have something im looking forward to reading more of.
Objective.
I feel like your problem is that like i mentioned above. I feel like you went to vague with incorporating the pic into your piece. I can see traces and instances of the topic every now and thenn but to me it feels like you looked at the topic and molded this story off a loose connection. I loved the rain aspect and i feel like if you would put more metaphors, similes, more things that would hint at the topic. Yeah shit like that would of made your connection to the topic a bit more.
Overall
I feel like both fell to the " too vague" problem. Which is understandable givin the topic. So props to both of you for dropping what you did. But. This a league. So i gotta choose one. I thought fraze did an exceptional job with the topic. Yes it was vague at times but i felt he gave me enough for me to ifnd that connection to the topic. Nice battle fellas i enjoyed the read. Please continue to participate. You are what keeps this league alive. Thank you.
Fraze
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