[Mr. J]

Once you hit your stride that's when I really enjoy your pieces Unborn
this has a stride but I'd like to point out a few awkward points for you here..

Feeling like I've had cancer for years
Recovery becomes a matter of fear
I lost all hope when my daughter disappeared
Sometimes when I close my eyes I still see her
Vexed at the sight, I cry out "answer me dear".

I see what you are doing there, but the way the rhymes are weaved are hard to read
they don't flow as well as they should, I know you can rhyme so that isn't the problem
it's how you try to transition from rhyme to internal back to rhyme with a slant...
you know what I'm saying? I would save the transition and try to connect it in later

His clearly nuts, but wields the answers I need revealed.
I feel my will is the thing that keeps me sealed
In this tabernacle mood, where alcohol soothes
My soul amused & purified by a vortex of tobacco fumes
It's apparent that morbidness is half the truth
I mean the demented & tormented are half the news
But, this sickness doesn't fill my cornea & zaps its hue
For I see beyond this dimension's corners and avenues.

^^
you see that, that's how you should have started it...
or something similar to that structure, if I were anyone else
I'm sure they would have been upset by the beginning
because y'know...short attention spans, either way this section is dope
you always impress but it comes later through the piece
thusly hitting your stride...but dropping whatever you need in the cypher is always helpful
it's like a hamster wheel in there where you get out all the silly shit

The beacon of our light is the idea of wisdom, but not wisdom itself.
We look away from the shedding leper whose licking himself,
The unbaptized listening to religious tales followed by their riveting bells
But, we don't step forth because we're busy dodging ricochet shells
Dispelled from a kid itching to kill everyone because he has a mission from hell.
There is no point to any of this, says those whose vision is frail

this is how you should have ended the piece..
I feel like the best piece is one that ends abruptly..
it leaves a person more on edge for what you do next
then you can practically go as needed with more ideas like this


some dope shit though Buddah, keep writing