Hi Witty!
I enjoyed the fuck out of this, this comes across so poetic
your rhyme & word choice went together with the story pretty well
I'm lethargic and beat
the apple never falls too far from the tree
so I collect the fallen fruit in the Garden of Eden
in a cart 'n then feed 'em to the starvin' and grievin'
the discarded, the freaks, the disheartened
the garbage that are guardin' the streets
this opening was sweet, I always enjoy a good Adam & Eve line
the way you start painting the picture is pretty slick from here as well
the way the rhymes come at you is so rapid you get wrapped in it...lol
anyway you grasp onto description so well and you bring a lot to the picture
.....the picture that you are painting...yea
his clothes are torn, bones are worn
I've never seen him fold from the wait on his shoulders
get impatient and cold, or mourn, he soldiers on
toward another frozen dawn
this was my favorite part of this piece, it's just written so well
did you write this on a whim or was this for a tourney of some sort?
either way I thought this whole piece was pretty cool Wit Wit
you brought some great elements and kept my interest throughout
dope shit @
Witty...
He told me 'Son, I feel lonely in a crowd, it feels like I'm the only one
it was only when I stepped out of the line that the healing of my soul begun'
He crunches his apple as I stare at him in disbelief, this 'twisted freak'
has somehow found the bliss we seek, he exists in peace.
I'm often depressed, lost in the stress of the world
tossed with the rest on the production line, just a pawn, this is chess
yet he escaped the game, he no longer feels the aching pain
he holds his destiny, resolved, and he's blessed.
I forgot to say...this was my favorite part as well...but yea...this was my favorite section...
great shit @
Witty