[Objective]

My neighbor killed himself a couple weeks ago. There's 6 apartments in the building I'm living in. Just talked to a woman in her 60's today about different things among giving a condolence letter and flowers to his family. She doesn't have a TV and have just regained her brain after having struggled with Borreliosis for several years. She entered suicidal depression as a part of the disease (is out of it now), this guy killed himself and I'm somewhat struggling back'n'forth with my own shit.

I realized there's several types of ways to understand suicidal tendencies, the human psyche and depression. Well, I always knew that, but when it hit me earlier today it was like I got a deeper understanding of the mental psyche when it comes to dealing with depression and our mentality as a whole and not just knowing there's gaps there because of logic alone. Lately I've thought a lot about it, some guy that was interviewed said (paraphrasing) ''I've never been depressed, I got 2 types of water coming out of my sink; hot and cold. I got the privilege to choose that and that's reason enough for me to stay happy.'' Motherfucking word to that guy!
I can't control my depression, I can't control or understand why I'm even depressed at this point. Fuck, I just got a girl some months ago who is the most positive and understanding spirit I've ever met, my friend started a business he pulled me into two months ago that got all the potential in the world with the connects we have, I have literally NO personal economic set backs and I'm about to smoke a J and play a game because I can CHOOSE when to work tomorrow as long as what I planned for work gets done. And I got hot and cold water in the fucking sink, I mean, what the actual fuck?

I am ungrateful by definition, I don't understanding my situation. I am sorry to have failed you Veritas, but I can tell you that I am NOT capable of thought other than outward understanding and the environment that I'm in. I am not capable of thoughts because I fail the most important aspect when it comes to defining what really matters when it comes down to it. Does this make me qualify for a certain level of being capable of thought in itself? Fuck if I know. Is it a paradox perhaps? Fuck it, everything is relative and my brother is an oxymoron.