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Old 06-12-2015, 06:17 PM   #8
Pharaohs Army
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I think almost all of Genocide's verse is dope. I really like the rhymes and the flow.

I did Not like

blood from a dead bird, sewn in, with its pecker..
its the kissing thread that connects every red rose


Don't like the rhyme of dead bird / pecker
Not a big fan of the phraseology and the metaphor is also pretty cheesy here.

That being said I only highlighted that part because I basically enjoyed every other part of the verse.

Genocide seemed to hint at multiple things the pic could possibly represent, without zeroing in on one focused metaphor or story. However, I kinda liked that aspect of it. In my opinion he pulled it off quite well, and it leads to intrigue, etc.

I won't sprinkle the individual quotes from all of these, but we've got:
References to evil, darkness, anti-theism.. (the "main one", i feel)
But also references to Mayans, warriors, and the like..
And also a few things about lack of identity, lack of self..

So I like how he touches on the multiplicity of what the image conjures.
Also really like the ending line; both the phrasing of it, and the rhyme of shatter religion / capture an image.
Well done.
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Mayniuhh has a good piece of writing here. The skill and the writing are quite evident. Original and thoughtful.. Also some (I think) first-person perspective, as the POV from the image, starting in the middle of the piece.
There is definitely rhyme in this. However, whereas a lot of times unorthodox schemes work to benefit a piece, I feel like the schemes may have been (dare I say) a bit Too unorthodox. We're hit with some of internal rhymes and then left wondering where's the "end/rhymes"?; where's the "flow"?. [The flow of rhymes I mean. The flow overall is good].

Stain 'pon this planet
I'm a stain upon this plane
A stain upon a paper
I'm a stain in all our brains
I'm a stain that is expensive;
a stain
with some aim
I'm a stain they "exquisite"
a stain that they claim
As a stain.
We're more than
Paint on a page.


I did not like this stanza ^.
Repetition is good, but only when it's helps. I don't feel like it helped here. This stanza, unlike the others, doesn't seem to say much, or offer depth.

That being said, I only highlighted it because I thought the other stanzas were well done for the most part. Intriguing/thought-provoking/offers the reader different interpretations. And I like the style and the syllabic measure. Just not the rhyme.
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So both are pretty quality, but my vote goes to Genocide, with a more traditionally structured verse and straightforward abstractness (I realize that's an oxymoron).
v/ Genocide

Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 06-12-2015 at 07:20 PM.
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