[Split Eight]

Yo what's up, decent writing, just thought I'd give you a little critical breakdown. Thought one thing you did repeatedly really hurt this verse overall

Originally Posted by Illume

___
From compassion to nerves, and from happy to worse.
Language and Words. All this anger in verse.

Wasn't a fan of the asymmetry in this section, i thought that each item you listed was sufficiently different from the others that I didn't glean why they were combined like this. Like "compassion to nerves" deserves more attention, 'nerves' has a lot of different possible meanings & usually isn't associated with compassion. 'Happy to worse' is an oversimplification in comparison. The second line seemed to be filler. I think that this intro was easily outshined by other parts of your verse, and I think the piece would be more appealing with a stronger opening

To this existence in a place where nobody's existent.

I think this could be chopped out... it's true, and sounds neat, but it's not really novel and it doesn't need to be explicitly stated

Problems: consolation, where nobody meets,
Coldest streets, empty lives, and no relief.
Empty words, imagery, fissure's deep, Believe me,
pixels don't portray how much of this picture's bleak.

Again, didnt like how you used the list technique. It seemed a bit of a copout, like creating meaning by association. There's not enough glue to hold it together. The structure of the first line was bad- 'consolation' is out of place, 'where nobody meets' and 'no relief' seem to be appended to a thought that was never started.

I think a lot of your stylistic stumbles could be avoided by checking for parallelism.
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paral..._%28grammar%29
When you group things together in an incongruous way, it muddles your writing. Here, 'coldest streets' and 'empty lives' go well together. It's because they're similar in purpose and meaning (follow the same chain of thought) and are grammatically similar.

Three lines of text replies. Might get a "like" as well.
Then tonight we'll dwell alone in an olden hell,
Eroding self, loneliness. Salt poured in these open welts.
In a testament to the idleness of a lifeless age,
In a fight with fate, this night we'll cry, we'll cave.
The disconnect kills the kind we crave.
In a lifeless place we'll die. Bye. Escape.

The first line is pretty trite. Second line was cool, third line I really enjoyed & you hit a rhythm. The bold was great. The bit after the bold was too abstract/ austere for my tastes.

There'll be efforts, tenderness, sentimental states.
But fuck it. Life's come by this night, a night too late.

First line, parallelism. Also seemed empty, like it was just sloppily appealing to human nature. Ending, kind of cool stylistically but I feel you were too all over the place


So I think in general- you overused one technique (listing things, chaining themes and scenes together indirectly) and it was ineffective. This hurt the clarity of everything, but I mean the writing was not de facto bad. And I've seen some of your verses and they were good.

The song "Scapegoat" by Atmosphere uses a very similar listing technique to a great effect



"Connected" by Pent Up has a similar message, too, perhaps you could compare and see what he did in a very similar context & compare it to yours. Almost like a faux topical match

Keep writing