The Legend of Masterbation Elf
On the small distant island of Virginos in the great land of Dickbeatia,
there lives a small tribe of fair-skinned redheaded man-smurfs known
as Gingersmoots. Hansel Garfunkel III was a Gingersmoot with big dreams,
perhaps too big for the small island he inhabitated and far too big for the
small minds of its people. He was disowned and cast out for his "blasphemous" ways.
He was caught sitting on his hand until it went numb and wacking off other Gingersmoots
for various cash prizes, acorns and more often-than-not: just for fun.
This practice later become known as the modern day PERFECT STRANGER ON THE ROCKS.
He was also commonly criticized for his techniques of jackin other elves off into gym sucks
and then wearing the socks all day, this also became most commonly known as: SKEET-HIKING.
He now lives a desolate life on the outskirts of a small island
due east of Virginos known only to locals as Brokelonelyfaggotopia.
He resides there with his wife: his own hand.
the motherfucking end.
The picture taken above is actually from day 1 of his trial where he was
feeling slightly confident that he would get off (pause).
He is seen above wearing his great great grandfather's second best funeral suit.