[Nigma]

Originally Posted by IamBenT

Valentine’s Day, 1884

Bright as the wax moon, her laugh swooned, swooped, a white crane,
Her blithe name the sprite rabbit I chased to make my life mate-
My Alice,… I- the blood, She – the chalice… Her eyes, a dove, no malice..
A family to establish, in our extravagant palace…Now I babble, unbalanced…
Grief the empty sleeve unsheathing death’s talons,… and with a high slice..
The wick blinks with night twice… “The Light Has Gone Out Of My Life”..

-Interesting into, at this point I'm not sure how to take it, will hopefully have it put in perspective later on in the verse.

Mother Martha, Itty bitty “Mittie”, was Parthenon great – She’d Say,
“I came from owning slaves to being Thee’s slave”, but we praised
Her hard labor in the face of Father’s fortune was grace apportioned
As a taste of favor to my sore, thin – lungs wrung from asthma wheezes,
Many hymns sung from asking Jesus, “Please, Master heal this

-Information is is being dolled out and a plot is forming, I like this so far. Interesting rhyme scheme, smooth transitions

Son!, like Paul’s kerchiefs slung in Past Ephesus”..Wracked with diseases,
I sleep slumped in a chair, - but once I’m aware, its back to being hyperactive
Catching bugs in glasses since Father bought an otter seal and hacked it!
Disgusted at its bits of guts and its bicuspids, but the stuff I trusted

-Loving the flow here, it alone is holding my interest. Some fresh imagery as you're progressing through this

Was each gush of grit and crust had purpose, fit and function – I was rare!
Like Audubon’s broad birds of the air… the raw earth of S. Fullerton Baird!
Until I got bullied and scared- So Pop taught me the thoughts of Franklin,
Pushups and fisticuffs toughen muscle expansions! A strong Father’s a Grand Thing..
Now Memory’s grafting Mittie, as it did He in his passing…

-Staying steady and on course, im starting to appreciate the general wording and tone of this piece in correlation to your topic

After Harvard, where I carved up beasts and theses alike,/
Doc said “put your heart first, cease seeking the strife”/,
but my strenuous life, part and parcel of Twain’s “Roughing It”/,
was, until my Lark sung, far-flung and unsubstantive/
She was my Sutter’s Gold, a wonder to behold in blessed splendor/
I know how Truman’s soul glowed in Nevada’s tense adventures/
So I took to tennis, riding, rowing, hiking, all aerobics/
Befriend her kin, impressed with skinny dips in the Potomac!/
Quoting French and probing those who attack the tracts of Lincoln/
All so she’d know that I’m, in fact, the man to whom she has to give in..

-Still keeping pace, this is making for a good verse. Excited to see where it goes from here. Wasn't quite what the 'quoting french' bit was about

Only Defoe’s Crusoe, in his fits and throes, could know the cold hold of growing old alone
As I sit and, slow as a broken bone, try to fix and mold that frozen stone
That rolls in my chest, as, choking, my breath pressed … on that baby’s face.
My nose, her lips and Mittie’s cleft…. Dear God, Amazing Grace.
No emotions expressed as we both, motherless, now gaze, her eyes and mine
The oceans regress, and, open regret’s shallow waves drown Valentine’s…

And see, because I read one to three books per day/And I came self-made from a crooked way/To be brave as a brook that sprays/ in the face of a man who would look and say/“I will kill every single being that this stream feeds.”/ I believe in the Dream that America bleeds,/In the plains and the hills and the air of green trees!/

..So I leave my political passions, Place the babe in her aunt’s hands and abandon the mansion..

Which rings with the laughs of Alice and Mittie,..
I’m sick of that Death Rider that saddles the city…
My only love now lies West in the Wild.. Weigh this pain, just suppress it and smile..
Start up again with a Pioneer’s heart…Dakota Buffalo might provide a year’s spark..
Always read and dreamt about it.. Westward Ho!... Amazing.
I wonder if the tales I’ve traipsed will match the trails I’m blazing…

For “Mittie” and my lovely Alice, now Departed, ever felt
Sincerely, Son and Husband, T. Roosevelt.

- Wow, ending tied everything together perfectly. I was not expecting to see Roosevelts name there and it gave my overview of the verse a slight nudge, love when that happens. Overall solid verse man, you clearly did some research for this one.

Originally Posted by pohfig

Lache La Femme

Cruel, but calm - a useless mom that hustled through her qualms
and through her job. She uses cops to protect her from stupid palms
that would slap her. She has attackers that she's fooled and robbed.
Knowing the streets is her focus in reach to continually DO nonstop.

-In contrast with the previous verse, this intro was very literal and direct towards to topic. Nothing outrageous, a solid introduction and mood setter

A hooker with issues - but strong - fierce and not looking for tissues.
Self employed and with a padded bra that's pushing two pistols.
Kathy was gorgeous and always dressed whorish so her game was perfected.
Giving every man heinous erections before they came to their senses.

-Continuing to build the character, maintaining solid flow throughout. Loved the 'came to their senses' wordplay

That pun was made and intended - but she wasn't for sleeping with strangers -
She only fucked the police like NWA... when Easy E was a banger.

-I feel dedicating a line to ensure people comprehended the wordplay was unnecessary, italics were enough. The followup line was pretty tight though.

Kathy's a danger for those trying to cheat on their lovers
and be undercover, otherwise a good guy might easily fuck her.
See, she was touched first by a guy that married her mother.
The next day, when she woke up, he was buried six under.
A psychotic flash created a plot that stabbed him to pieces
and fed his rabbit sized penis to their dog - who laughs as he eats it.

-More background information thats puts her life into perspective, info introduced smoothly. Last two lines hit hard in terms of imagery

That happened at thirteen; and now she's unhappy at thirty
and likely to kill any guys getting thrills while her flash is occurring.
Not lacking in mercy when committing those savage sentiments;
She's actually intimate with this process that's masked in innocence.

Its nine o'clock, prime time for cocks to choose and buy their spot...
behind broken hymen slots that lost virginity to a slimy pops.
Kathy, known as Candy K, stands away while devising plots -
Wild and hot, that deadly combination is why they jock.

-Continuous detail described in vivid ways to good effect

Several cars approach her, but they're all filled with harmless posers.
Either trying to bust their first or pimp her out to starving Ogres.
One pulled a gun on Candy K, which left her stunned - but scammed a way
to give this bum a handy J and left him with no nuts and damaged brain.

Finally one comes - her man awaits and she's ready for action.
Already wet from her practice of castrating that dickhead to a casket;

-Now the added details of past scenarios are really heating this verse up. So much depth. 'Getting wet thinking about killing' was pretty dope

She nestles her assets and positions her breasts to firmly sit on her chest.
So as she lifts up her dress and walks a step, no resistance is left.
This hapless guy has a wife and drives her Hyundai to buy ass.
It shows in the decorative plates and pink and white colored dash;
beside the fact he hasn't bothered in removing his ring.
So Kathy's thirsty to have him squirting; reversing the usual swing.

-The way you portray this from the perspective of the character you've created makes me suspect that you are indeed a murderous hooker

She checks her tits to bear arms and then quickly gets in his car.
He says he wants her to pull his dick til its hard, then pinch 'til its scarred.
Sickness is part of the profession so this 'tard isn't questioned.
Seems like an easy mark to be her victim til he starts slapping her breasts and...
The pistols fall against his balls and he's quicker to grab them.
It occurs to him, while she's serves a pinch that this bitch's an assassin.
He takes the guns and makes her come with one in her cockpit.
Then rapes for fun and placed the gun on her tongue while he cocks it.
One to her head, one in her mouth while he attacks from the back.
Kathy gets smashed while fully knowing that she has to react.
Premature ejaculation causes spasms that latched his fingers to pull it
and both guns unload once and blasts in a meeting of bullets.
They connect in the center and expressed this within her as an explosion of red.
He gives a shout and kicks her out missing most of her head.
Showing us death doesn't care about her harming these frauds..
but in the dirty darkness where her heart lives she's not as street smart as she thought.

Honestly, this was pretty amazing. One of the biggest and most effective twist endings I can remember reading in any verse. I give you many props my friend. Clear VotW contender.


The Judges Gavel
After reading Bent's piece I knew Pent would have to do something special to take the W. He did that and more in my opinion. I give the vote to pohfig, unreal verse.