[Split Eight]

Originally Posted by dead man

fade out

and here i am. back to my senses
stovetop benedict and ashes for breakfast
marble credenza, hardwood under carpeted floors
office fluorescent. carving copies til the carbon absorbs
>cool visual.
i feel like i was here all night. honest, i swore
to god i woke up bedside at 11:04
to phone alarms and rapping knuckles pounding the door
calling as the raven did, so quoteth Lenore
opened it to emptiness save plaster and mortar
>quickly gets into a narrative
mattresses, apartment building :: caskets and morgue
death has other cousins in a relative form
blinked twice. shook it off. man, this fucking disorder
has me paralyzed. sterilized like needle exchanges
sleep in chains. awaken free of them with ice in my veins
bruises on my collarbone. mysterious pains
recollecting memories like thoughts from a grave
let me stay. perhaps nowadays i'll sleep for a change
wait. that's not right. it's almost sure i've been fading
in and out. without a doubt. seriously. maybe
who knows. leave me alone. i've got nothing to say
nothing to offer. nothing critical and nothing of praise
i'm stuck. recluse afraid of darkness casting a shade
shoulder blade a demon haven. drag me away
woke up bloody yesterday and couldn't explain
why i felt this way. searched for scratches or scrapes
made myself a plate of maple ham and potatoes
sat and concentrated so it wouldn't escape
straining for an image to recapture the frames
like swinging nets at butterflies blindfolded. it fades
gray matter destined for preemptive decay, let me rewind
otherwise it's just a matter of time. my clock is faceless
grandfather towers over with a bend in his spine
crushing us like table grapes when pressure's applied
"NODONTDIE" smeared in soap scum in the mirror beside
a set of vertical lines. tally marks in perfect alignment
stickmen on their sides, unrecognizable signs
collapsed and cried. bit my cheeks into a fleshy disgrace
to stop myself from falling asleep. or staying awake?
one of the 2. i wonder what i wanted to do
before insomnia blues. a carton of reds, a carton of blues
narcotic narcoleptic gnarled like harvested roots
remind me why i'm talking to you? here's the truth
i'm gentle, calculated, anxious, thoughtful, concise
jolting into consciousness caressing a knife
that's all i know. i'm sorry. i've been fading, you said
cliffhanging off the voice in my head
knuckles on my door. open, close, rinse, repent
fade in
and here i am. next to you, while you rest
>I loved this entire build-up and ending minus the final line.



deadman

Originally Posted by NYCSPITZ

Ayo -


Shuriken spiral wildly outta control from the ninja’s confident fingers
as he evades spiked chains lasered from trees – something ominous lingers
knee n three fingers alight, the other arm’s raised ready to strike
When a fiery portal explodes into existence near the men that he fights!
Black and vermillion orb – where fear in millions of mortals’ll dwell
Ancient oaths whispered as shadows pass – it’s a portal to Hell
Flames swell and flicker and pop and burst in his eyes
as the deformed houndmen glare maliciously and circle and writhe
He flips, spinnin' twin scimitars while parrying knives -
flashing steel in a whirl, he drops his foes taking barely a scratch
An evil ***kle emanates from the demon who rules this region of sin
In echoing baritone – “enter my paradise and recapture your wife Beatrice quick”
“That fucking cocksucker…” -
he jumps toward the untold machinations burning with dread...
as the world bursts into flame! Spins six times then turns on its head
Road paved with white hot coals or eyeballs - one seldom could tell
A giant cerebus greets him politely: "abandon hope when entering here – welcome to Hell"
Robed lepers appear in tattered shrouds, and their purpose isn’t well
encircling a bottomless pit, with eyes bugged – they’re murmuring a spell
she appears – Beatrice naked, anxiously pouting beautiful lips
He runs forward enthused…and falls straight into the illusion’s abyss!
he drops for something like minutes…or maybe hours or days
Passes out – comes to outside a demon’s castle powerfully dazed
stepping onto plush velvet, he sees spiraling steps and ivory rails
When a centaur appears – dressed as a butler, flicking the shiniest tail
He extends a silver plate with bone bracelets: "your wrist sir, so you can forge them together
Otherwise my master will be forced to rape Beatrice, and gorge her forever"
The ninja leaps in the air spinnin' nunchucks, about to behead him for battle’s sake
when the centaur points his tail - and starts ejecting huge, venomous rattlesnakes!!
The lizards shoot with mach speed, searing and burning his flesh
Deflecting most, he reaches his foe quick and leaves him hurt with a left
Chandeliers crash – the snakes morph together, human sized with arms and wraithlike wings
Dodging poisoned tongue strikes, our hero combos back with feint-knife-kick
Who else has a gait like this!? He fakes hits, somersaults and strikes with force…
then shreds them with gumption, plus a flash of lightning torque!!
the ninja limps forward, savaged with weapons and bludgeoned by blows
When the centaur’s body melts! Into some stairs, into a dungeon below...
Hearing sinister tongues, he passes ***kling skulls, eye sockets watchin' him stroll
descends into a luxurious chamber - where he’s gonna meet debauchery’s clone
Impeccably dressed, next to Beatrice as she mumbles and moans
stands a suave and debonaire demon: “please…welcome to my humble abode”
sensing sheer evil, our crafty ninja’s eyes widen in fear -
Beatrice tied to a post, dressed in tattered gown and writhing in tears
she finds his gaze and stares back, eyes empty and scarred now
the demon cordially smiles...then uses a trident and painfully gouges her heart out!!!
Our hero seethes and drools and shrieks and stomps in a rage
his host speaks: "you did well to reach me here, now calm the display
...just lay with your wife’s corpse and look into this mirror of change"
staring at the mirror's milky luster, he hasn't seen himself clearer in days
seated beside Beatrice as skin greys and horns sprout, disappearing his ways
Lay that hero role to rest - Jungian phase gone, his purpose is real
Head clearer than ever...ready to torture, rape, murder and kill



.

Okay battle. I thought NYCSPITZ played around with his story more, it was very stylized and action-oriented with plenty of self-deprecation. It was like a Samurai Jack/ Crimson Chin mashup. I thought the end was incongruous with regards to the beginning. Enjoyed the descriptive aspects, something I always struggle with in my writing.

Dead Man. This had a much more serious tone. Lots of effort put towards intertwining the characters of time & death with a very visceral/ visual approach, especially enjoyed that line about the tallies/ stick men. Captured feelings of fear and mortality.

Thought the direction of both verses were very typical of their others, dead man's verse seemed a little more fresh to me. I think the running joke that NYC rehashes samurai ninja stories got a little too real. Tried not to take into account the histories/ collected works of either writer in the verse, & I definitely (definitely) had dead man.

The deciding factor was his repeated references towards and reevaluations of the provided topic. They felt natural, and seemed to dictate the progression of the piece. I felt that NYCSPITZ connected with the topic only tangentially, and did so cheaply in a way that would let him write the verse he would have written anyways. While it is true that Dead Man encompassed the topic in such a way that benefited his preferred themas & topics, it still felt like it was derived from the topic in some way. That is a key advantage that basically won him the match point blank.

kind of a cheap way to call a season championship match, but the feeling is unshakeable.

V/ dead man