[Split Eight]

Also, sometimes I think that you believe something rhymes internally, and maybe it has a rhyme hidden in the line, but the way the line is read means that it definitely does not.

What does "describing'is misery" rhyme with? If you were to read your verse out loud, adjusting your tempo/ rhythm so that everything you /wanted/ to rhyme, *did* rhyme, would it sound natural?

"it must have been the Lack-of-atTention-Paid"
why the hyphens? Am I supposed to string those together? If I was to guess, you need it to sound like, phonetically
"laquivat-- tensionpade"

Going off my previous points... you could avoid this butchering of language by switching a few words around. There's no reason not to.




I think your use of an apostrophe in "describing'is" is a pretty big indicator that your mechanics are broken here. If "describing his" wouldn't work, than "describing'is" wouldn't work either because it's essentially the same thing but slightly more connected.

Readers will want to read something so that it sounds natural. The musical quality of topicals/ OMs that is preserved from its birth as written rap means that some degree of natural fluidity is an expectation of every verse in this medium.

It's a huge detriment against your writing to not be fluid, unless it sets out to explicitly deny this convention (basically a poem), and the reader understands this- & by doing so your verse is better.

But by and large, people here are not here to read poems.


If you want that sense of fluidity, you should read through your writing as an entire, cohesive verse a minimum of twice. The first time, trying to pick up on your own rhythm as you go- how you'd have to read it to make it work.

The second time, do it from the top in one solid go. If any parts sound weird to you, they'll sound 20x weirder to other people.

The presentation is meant to make people care about the content.