What Geno said about reading other people's work is the best advice possible. Right now what you have isn't bad, I've seen worse, but the problem is it's a bit cliché. Don't take that personally, it's just the truth. If you're going to write about something that people have written about plenty of times before, it needs to be written in a way that's unique enough to grab the reader's attention because if you don't it just becomes the same old, same old. Keep at it, man.
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