NYC --
an interesting take on the picture. an elderly professor reflecting on how his ideals and lessons led to the death of one of his students. something i would not have come up with, i'd reckon. the ability to conjure a very niche story out of an image or phrase has always been a very strong suit of yours. as far as your core mechanism, this was really good. as far as your execution, i was not always terribly sold. you stretch for your rhymes at certain points and it kind of jolts me out of the plot and takes me back into your space and out of my own. gallons of strife? the council of curriculum change? that cannot be a thing, and even if it is, i just wasn't sold on the entire premise of that particular aspect. you needed a rhyme for 'fuck in his loft', that much is clear, but 'freedom of speech sucks and it's soft' was not what you should have chosen. you pick and choose your words to transport your core storyline in a fashion that doesn't always appeal to me.
that being said, it was an involving tale of the regrets of a professor who may have been TOO involved in his curriculum, and one student especially. poignant subject matter, but at very crucial times, the method by which you deliver this content leaves a lot to be desired. you made it this far for a reason, clearly. your creative angles are nearly second to none.
CERTAIN SERPENT --
this confused me. a lot. the names you give characters without a context to really bring them to life sort of muddles the verse to me. maybe i'm slow but i'm reading this again just to make sure who everybody is. marjorie -- the nurse. donna -- his sister who dies of an overdose. gloria -- his wife and mother of his children. tommy -- his own child. jessica -- his daughter, who reminds him of his sister. great, now that i think i have this straight.
it's just too much. you bring us through 3 generations of a family unit, tying together their plights and traits (although extremely undeveloped) through time and observation and behaviors. you attempt to convey the memories this man has of 5-6 different people in so few words, with such little description other than their names and a few words about each, that it sort of all feels.. shallow. i suppose. i couldn't get into it. maybe this is personal and it feels like i'm shitting on the tale of your own family. believe me when i say i am not undermining the journey you set out on. i did really love your finale, regarding not only the generational blight of cancer but the temporary, fleeting air of life, but the entire verse as a whole just never came full circle to me. i admire the ambition you had in tackling not only such a wide breadth of subject matter in such a short time, but tackling such a serious topic at once. it's difficult on both counts to make that work.
what sucks is, you usually do a very good job at making that work for you conceptually. the character names, identities, personalities, the timelines, the conceptual threads that link them all. it just wasn't working for me this week. unless i am reading the entire verse incorrectly (which may or not be the case, but really -- who's at fault for that?) i cannot fully engage with the work as it stands, despite the display of stellar technical writing and a killer closing line, which others have pointed out to you.
with heavy hand and heart, i grant my vote to NYCSPITZ.
take care you guys. it's been a pleasure
thank you
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Zack Wicks for president
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