[Adonis]

NY - "Lost in the blue of her eye" was very visual way to bring forth imagery and emotion tied into one, metaphor-esque, solid writing there. I read the entire story before seeing the picture and it was a bit more clear, the ending I mean, but all in all this verse was penned thoughtfully through and through. From syllable counts to cadence to word usage to character development with just enough lines as to not take away from the physical story it self. I will add that this verse is more on the 'human' level in comparison to what I'm used to reading from you. While this could be a negative, you still gave me a clear scene or setting while adding some very crisp writing, not in the rhyming sense, but in the novelist sense ya dig? A young professor, writes a letter of reform and change stating the lack of fear in revolt. The time jump is a bit askew for me here though as it jumps three years and he's now giving lectures on the aforementioned paper. But again, no telling what happened in that time frame so I really don't mind, but had to say something about the chronological ordering. The professor coaxes an attractive student into a few late night forays consequently filling her head with his ideals on revolt and tacking the world back. She dies, again, that line about light being snuffed out with the blue of her eye rang loud as well as overall mechanics during the baton's altercation. Overall, nothing negative to really say about this verse. If I must nit pick, I suppose the final stanza seemed tossed in to bring the picture full circle, I felt like adding more lines to reference exactly what is happening there would be best, but as is, ending wasn't awful so.... Good shit Bruhv


Certain - Keen choice of opening imagery, you engaged my senses while laying a foundation for paying closer attention. On first glance it made no sense to me, "red tears", as I haven't read beyond first bar I'm hoping the vulgar scenery blossoms. It did not.... The opener I dare say was the highlight of the verse writing wise. The sheer amount of broken sentences across multiple bars was distracting as shit. I often can over look one, two max, but it seemed like you did this every third line or so which left me searching to find the flow while pausing often to relocate it during these breaks. As for the story, there was so much going on it was a bit hard to follow, sure, in the end I get it all, but too many characters I guess with no real build up, just saying names with a single line of background then they most likely die. Simply too much going on with these shortened stanzas. Another thing I had trouble with was the death of the mother while the son was born, but then he suddenly has a younger sister??? Head scratcher.


V/ NYC

He had the better writing overall and because of this had the more gripping story.