Then sit silent. And get killed in the tryin’.
what are your thoughts on removing "in the".?
Then sit silent. and Get killed tryin'.
You are good at rhyming and rhythm throughout. Well done.
i.m.o., a comma in line 12 wouldn't hurt. notice how you have one above in line 11. Either after "don't", or after the 2nd "fucked". Or, no comma, but capitalize 1 of the words in there to "draw it out"?
^Long story short, I love the "do it" rhyme. But my suggestions are to save fellow readers from re-reading the line.
Some of your metaphors&phrases are either very complicated or don't make sense to me. Could be my fault. I'm daft sometimes. But I'm gonna stand by the statement.
Let me re-phrase it: The metaphors probably make sense but are phrased "complicatedly". Perhaps that is your intention; Make us think, etc.
We are bonded stencils lent an image in eye,
To pencil in time in a box with limits in height.
Your have v.good rhyming abilities. Apply them, to make something with a "wow" factor. I am in the same boat and will do the same eventually.
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