[PancakeBrah]

so focused on a rhyme lately, i'm not makin sense.
pressin hard onto the paper, here's to breakin my pens

'Here's to breakin' my pens' was okay enough.

i'm a woman dismayed, made outta paper mache
cuz i never had a thick skin, i'm a sensitive prey.

Take the 'a' before sensitive out of this sentence. Paper mache is a trigger word for negative feed. Been used a lot.

sometimes i feel afraid that i cant save her today.
it's okay, on the inside i'm the plainest of grays,

Can't save who? 'Plainest of grays' is an apt description for that description. It's air. Nobody responds to that. Like paper mache. It's just so overused. It's the word 'the'. People just read it. There's nothing.

though the blacks and the whites are much harder to tame.
they come leakin out raging from my drug-addled brain,

Saying 'my drug addled brain' seems like your asking for attention. You can word this more subtly. The black/white dichotomy is done to death.

an organ slumped over forever like it's saddled with pain

Is it 'like' it's saddle with pain, or is it actually saddled with pain? Slumped over forever? Subtlety?

Unstable. it could cause jaws to drop down in fear
no Dayquil, but i'm sewn with enough night to last a year

ok.


Not trying to be Mr. Asshole, ya know. Just trying to help! We can beat big baby together. Call me. I'll help provide Useful Tips and Hidden Codes.

Thanks for the read!