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UnbornBuddha · 01-09-2015, 03:48 AM

Excellent piece, a nice weaving of essential storytelling elements, with a good descriptive progression, and attention to the subject, and object. Although, from the technical standpoint I find no folly, from the reader's vantage point sometimes it is easy to get lost in the barrage of finer details. Not that it's too much, but it seems like you get disorientated in the process of qualifying the essence, in others words sometimes the portrait's message gets shrouded because of overloading the mainframe with too much color.
While, I realize metaphors & extended metaphors and other emblematic devices are there to add depth and richness, sometimes like a soup that has become overburdened with too much flavor, it becomes a bit distasteful to consume the original essence of what you were going for. The activity of reading can be argued to be the reader trying to become one with the writer's mind as he wrote it. At least that is the inspiration a reader strives to achieve because reading comprehension is more than just understanding a piece after reading it. It is about deciphering the very mind of he that thought the concoction of verbiage in the first place. What's more, it can then be said that it's also about the reader not just understanding the writer, but also understanding himself more.
After all, that is what a great writer does he connects with others, and in a way teaches others, even if the writer is not the best teacher. The writer becomes a great teacher through allowing this process to take place in the reader himself. Reading entails learning, and while there is ordinary learning and Great learning, it can be said nevertheless that both learnings bestow upon knowledge that chisels away at what the reader knows, and think he knows, so they can actually then understand the breaking down of knowing, as well as its accruement. This is then entailing the reader getting to realize knowing itself in all its facets, if that makes sense.

Anyways, thank you for the opportunity of reading your piece. As always be in peace, and in health.

01-09-2015, 03:48 AM	#4
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	Excellent piece, a nice weaving of essential storytelling elements, with a good descriptive progression, and attention to the subject, and object. Although, from the technical standpoint I find no folly, from the reader's vantage point sometimes it is easy to get lost in the barrage of finer details. Not that it's too much, but it seems like you get disorientated in the process of qualifying the essence, in others words sometimes the portrait's message gets shrouded because of overloading the mainframe with too much color. While, I realize metaphors & extended metaphors and other emblematic devices are there to add depth and richness, sometimes like a soup that has become overburdened with too much flavor, it becomes a bit distasteful to consume the original essence of what you were going for. The activity of reading can be argued to be the reader trying to become one with the writer's mind as he wrote it. At least that is the inspiration a reader strives to achieve because reading comprehension is more than just understanding a piece after reading it. It is about deciphering the very mind of he that thought the concoction of verbiage in the first place. What's more, it can then be said that it's also about the reader not just understanding the writer, but also understanding himself more. After all, that is what a great writer does he connects with others, and in a way teaches others, even if the writer is not the best teacher. The writer becomes a great teacher through allowing this process to take place in the reader himself. Reading entails learning, and while there is ordinary learning and Great learning, it can be said nevertheless that both learnings bestow upon knowledge that chisels away at what the reader knows, and think he knows, so they can actually then understand the breaking down of knowing, as well as its accruement. This is then entailing the reader getting to realize knowing itself in all its facets, if that makes sense. Anyways, thank you for the opportunity of reading your piece. As always be in peace, and in health. Last edited by UnbornBuddha; 01-09-2015 at 04:32 AM.