I felt elated while escaping from my best Mate.
After debating escalated over what game "Let's Play…"
My persistent fists and Desires won way. "Ouch fine. OK!"
Racing up the stairs to err, innocently unprepared and unaware,
Of shifty tides, I wondered where the best place was for me to hide.
I was Five… simply happy at the idea of being lost nowhere to be "find."
Suddenly, instincts of Off Limits imprints in my "friend's thinking"
Made me blink twice inspired, as I headed to my parents' bedroom grinning.
There's no way I wasn't winning, yet it was the beginning of an end.
I reveled in the tingling thrill of doing what I wasn't supposed to,
But childish mischief led to a kind of doom, exposed too soon when,
Joyfully seeking concealment under dad's nightstand I discovered...
Rape! From a Playboy Magazine made for men with far more age.
Rampaging lions leap slaughtering sheep dying asleep,
Devouring every trace of boyhood's budding affections.
No protection against this violence leaving indelible infinite stains,
To percolate in my immature brain hidden and silent for as a child
My mind was weak... as I blindly creeped away in defilement.
Pull a baby tooth before it's ready might make the root crooked!
I did not understand what I was seeing but my body ached, reacted,
In a way I did not create could not control, growing from my pants felt strange.
Urged to imitate the images, an animal as I animated the page with my thang.
No way I could report my sordid story to my folks they'd hang their heads in shame.
I did not know at that early age, it was a normal trait to face… A daze, a guiltiness,
was attached to an intimate human act and once perverted I'd react accordingly.
Whenever I was horny misguided notions I nobly taught myself would go to war.
So before hand holding or first kisses or even my first crush I already knew lust.
Memories of wanting to lick my Third grade teachers' coochie makes me blush.
If growing up isn't already awkward enough, this knowledge I plucked,
Uninitiated, before I was ripe made it painfully more awkward to adjust,
Deep down I knew this wasn't right, girls weren't just objects to be crushed.
And at seven I found a heaven, reading books about being chivalrous,
King Arthur, Guinevere, Lancelot, courtly love? Now I'm really mixing up.
2 horses gallop powerfully in different directions, which one should I trust?
……………….
I've been abused by a lifetime of consternation.
But I'm standing at the door of, finally my salvation.
In due time my true mind has proved fine…
As it grew mightily through sun filled ruminations until,
Ruefully climbing out of the dark maze it was placed in.
The haze is dissipating and Celibacy will be the key.
Instead of indulging my desires, if I become Celibate,
Then I have the chance to learn what I didn't as a child,
All the missing little things that make a relationship loving.
"Celibacy is not just a matter of not having sex.
It is a way of admiring a person for their humanity, maybe even for their beauty."
Timothy Radcliffe