I'll give you some advice. If you want people to feed your verse you need to drop feed on others. But since I'm a nice guy I'll feed yours first :)
This was very basic. I would expect this as a freestlye in a group cypher you know what I mean? I'm guessin this really was a keystyle but regardless it's much too basic. I'm not trying to be harsh or rude to you I'm just being honest. If I were you I'd continue to practice in the cyphers and begin to grasp the mechanics of writing a little better. Your flow is good in reading it but the wording is much too simple so if I were you that's what I would begin to work on first. Instead of just simply saying something, find a more creative way to express it so the piece becomes more interesting. Just keep practicing man and keep dropping.
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5768-ZenLand-Part-II<
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