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ogiatje · 12-03-2014, 11:04 PM

I dig the concept overall but the execution of it was a bit lackluster. first off it lacked personality.

I was laying in bed, crying myself asleep listening to Bon Jovi
this was the only line where i felt like i actually got an idea of the writers personality, the rest was something that i feel like was from the perspective of anyone whether i know them or not. the specifics add a lot whether they seem like they relate to the story or not.

I feel like if you worked on rhyme scheme this could be much better also. your format is super simple and lacks multis or internal rhymes or anything of that nature. the simple format is a plus but without some other technical aspects added onto it it creates for a verse that looks relatively amatuerish. keep writing and maybe focus on some more detail and differing rhyme schemes.

12-03-2014, 11:04 PM	#4
ogiatje Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2014 Posts: 6 Rep Power: 0	I dig the concept overall but the execution of it was a bit lackluster. first off it lacked personality. I was laying in bed, crying myself asleep listening to Bon Jovi this was the only line where i felt like i actually got an idea of the writers personality, the rest was something that i feel like was from the perspective of anyone whether i know them or not. the specifics add a lot whether they seem like they relate to the story or not. I feel like if you worked on rhyme scheme this could be much better also. your format is super simple and lacks multis or internal rhymes or anything of that nature. the simple format is a plus but without some other technical aspects added onto it it creates for a verse that looks relatively amatuerish. keep writing and maybe focus on some more detail and differing rhyme schemes.