the format of this is the type that i personally dig. the content of it all was cool, but it should've been more emotionally charged in my opinion based on what you were speaking about.
Dying of thirst, looking for the fountain of youth
this line is cool based upon the play of ideas.
Its like im deep in the clouds, then im freefalling down
Tongue sticking out, like jordan leaped from the foul
this is a cool ass image. i feel like overall this is like a first draft of a verse and something that needs revision. and for a first draft it is very strong so take compliment in that. I just feel as though it's lacking a real cohesive directness and that there is a good amount that can be done to polish it as a whole. the story itself is an emotional one but it's lacking that emotional charge. would love to see a revision of this.
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