my dude FAT!
You know what i think u should do? incorporate your poetry into topicals. I remember reading a couple of ur poetry league pieces over at RIA and thought - yo, this dude's no joke. You always have some very great lines when writing a poem and i think if u can transfer that same sensibility to topic, you can be beastly.
anyway, back to the piece...
haha...u know i'm a huge Animal Planet fan and this reminds me of those documentary on lions and leopards lol. So off the bat i had to read the shit lol...plus you wrote it so gotta support my brotha. Lets see...First two lines read weird (rhythmically). If i can critique one thing about ur writing (topically speaking) it's that you have a very abrasive rhythm about it. In these realm of writing, i feel, the rhythmic pattern must be very concise because there is no beat to stress words and syllables on, so my personal suggestion is to either use more inners, multies or other rhyming techniques to make for a smoother read. But honestly all that shit comes with time and experience - ur continuous output (both on open mic and the league) will most likely allow u to pick up some things along the way so i'm not too worry about it.
As far as content goes, i really dug this man. I think the obvious commentary here was on the apathy and disregard in society. The interesting dynamic of this piece is that as ugly and negative a connotation as those (apathy and disregard) qualities are, it's somewhat crucial to survival. Best demonstrated in that last verse when we see it from the perspective of a witness, we see a sort of instinct for preservation kicks in as it remain inconspicuous and even continue grazing while this whole episode is going on. To be heroic would mean possible death, so as a result it opted for the safer route. It's an attitude adopted in the modern society on more than a few occasions. I remember seeing a video where a guy was attacking some dude in broad daylight AND in a crowded vicinity yet nobody stepped in to help. On one hand, it's fucked up...but on the other hand, one can simply say that our basic survival instincts kicked in. Always a complex and delicate situation and this piece explored it using a very appropriate metaphor. Strip us of all our advancements and we're no different than wild animals of the plain.
One particular point in the story stuck with me. the part where the witness imagined itself being the victim lol. Though apathetic, there was a hint of empathy which further go into a kind of conflict between basic instinct and modern code of ethic.
overall, good shit, FAT. I'll keep a look out for more of your stuff. 1.
|