View Single Post
Old 11-18-2014, 11:44 PM   #8
UnbornBuddha
Senior Member
 
UnbornBuddha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Battle Record: 23-10


Champed
- Art of Writing League
- AOWL Season 5

Rep Power: 23856379
UnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant future
Default

Kannon at first your verse started a bit slow, and a bit dull. Then it picked up, and what unfolded was a very familiar background to those entrenched in the abyss of Gotham. You essentially depicted a narrative about a vigilante who went rogue due to the death of his parents. Surprisingly the death of his parents came through the hands of the hero himself, or antihero. However, this nemesis spawned from the actions of the hero himself is hardly new. In fact, many of the villains in the Batman universe came about as a direct consequence of the masked hero's doing. Nevertheless, this was a well done verse. Although, the constant chattering of the vigilante mantra became rather incommodious.

Vulgar, you essentially wrote about a married woman who went blind due to some type of arid weather condition/ the desert. Essentially reacting to it with a stroke, in other words the rare but ever so grimace condition that is medically known as cortical blindness. Apparently her and husband, who was an inventor it seems, were fond of gazing into cosmic space, and all its endless wonders. But being blind she was unable to do so, and thus lament set in. Her husband feeling remorseful lend a helping hand by inventing some contraption with heavenly connotations so as to allow her to holographically experience the wonders again. I do feel you were a bit unclear at the last stanza. I don't particularly comprehend how the celestial map added to the blueprint of the invention/ patent. The husband strive to help his wife through scientific synthesis captured the theme quite well.

I actually enjoyed both verses. But will vote Vulgar due to the stronger language evoked, like the atriums of light, quite a mesmerizing line.
UnbornBuddha is offline