[kannon]

story. So it sounds like this is a person writing a book? or maybe a screenplay? something of that nature. And in this piece, or possibly even the center of this piece, is the story of a girl kidnapped and raped. the twist is that the "producers" (which makes is seem more like a tv show or movie that's being written) are telling her that she's not a good writer, or that her story doesnt have accessible appeal, don't realize that it's a piece of non-fiction. I have to admit that this piece is kind of boring. It seems like there are a lot of details left out, and the whole story is kind of vague and abrupt (see what I did there?). The first stanza doesn't really make clear what the experience she is writing about is, so when it's revealed in the end that it's a true story, it doesn't really do much for me as a reader because I'm not entirely sure what happened. That aside, your actual writing is kinda just okay here. Lines like "producers telling me 'dont'" are painful to read. And the fact that you actually submitted a verse with a non-ironic "w/" instead of actually writing "with" kind of irks me. In the end, this story just wasnt very compelling.

greed. Okay, you're going to make this difficult for me. I've gotta be honest, I didn't like this piece at all. A dude wakes up unsure of what he did the night before. Is it drugs? Was he drunk? Does he have amnesia? None of this is ever addressed, I literally have no idea why he doesnt remember the actions of 8 hours ago, but he doesnt. You then address his wife as "a woman lying next to me." like he doesn't remember her either. Again, no reason why any of this is happening right now. (side note, the line "she's definitely asleep" is awful.) I don't like that the book is described as something that helps him remember that he "is no crook" when he helped murder someone the night before. And we have no idea why this person was murdered either! "Showed no remorse as the young lady became a corpse," ugh. awful writing. Suddenly it is revealed that the woman lying with you is your wife. And together you chop up and bury this "whore" under your floorboards? Also, you put the knife away, and then "tore her apart?" the continuity is nonexistent. And the last line is so poorly written. "her dying words were that she was my sister." So, as your wife is killing your sister for god knows what reason, your sister, being choked, decides to muster up the strength to says, "im your sister." and you cut her up anyways, and write it all down. So my big question now is this: Why were you cool helping kill your sister the night before, but now in the morning, you're gonna murder your wife for killing your sister?

I'm trying my damndest to find something positive to say here, but I really disliked both of these pieces. Both were vague and uninspired, and both left me with more questions than answers. At this point, I have to give the vote to the person who's verse I didn't like less. Which I think is storyteller. He at least wrote a story that seemed like it could possibly really happen. Even though it wasn't explained much, it at least makes sense.

vote is for storyteller