Both of you guys came up with some creative approaches to the topic.
I think Aes actually had a more compelling overall idea for a story, while OBJ went with the emotional atrocity route.
OBJ -
(Her life was absurd.)
That really bothered me. Absurd is like asking for rocky road colored marker so you can wash the dishes.
Absurd to me.. is not being repeatedly being gang raped at your fathers whims. That's sadistic and evil...
So for you to use that word right before you go into the story.. made everything to come after, like you were bastardizing this character...
You used her like her father.
A story of such depravity I wondered if it were true. So I looked up the movie... and it's nothing like your story. All I can say it was well written and horrible. Your writing is very polished rhyme schemes and flow smooth.
I think you cheated though. Sort of just wrote a story of "See how awful this is that happened" and then went to the conclusion.
You left out the middle, how the girl escaped, was singing the key? What about the mom, did she finally just have enough and help her daughter escape? How does the girl know her dad died?
See what I mean, you didn't really give us a story, just a situation, with strong technique and effortless rhyming.
What you gave though was well crafted.
AES-
Where OBJ told us what happened to the Girl in his story..
You showed us what happened to the man. And for that reason I felt more of a connection to the character. And I sympathized with his plight, of growing old, losing your faculties not being able to care for yourself, sitting there waiting for echoes. It's really sad.
I felt you had 2 strong stanza's, the others were hard to digest because of some odd wording choices, or missing a word, or where you were controlled by the rhyme instead of using the rhyme to create your story.
And now your rhymes... man they are boring for the most part! tion with tion with tion with tion lol... I don't think your vocabulary is the problem, I just think the being pressed for time just made you take the easiest route to convey what you had to to keep the story moving.
But as far as story development goes, you accomplished it. It really had all the right ingredients to produce that ending.
You earned that finish, with your set up.
And although the food you're serving has some funky flavor, maybe some pieces of fat that I bite into unexpectedly, or the noodles are overcooked... in the end it tasted good.
"Laying hopeless and defeated I crawl on the asphalt.
She opens her car door and I give a final breath of chance.
A defeated yell blank that no feeling could surpass.
My head gives weight and crashes too the concrete.
Before death is in my wake I hear footsteps not a light.
Im cradled in the enjoying embrace of the one that shares love.
I look beyond the eyes and see a reflection.
Not a question but answer I would like too address.
My last words on this planet were a plea not a confess.
"I remember."
She looks back,
"Ill remember, the days; you sang for me."
I leave my body as an admitted narcissist;
Knowing an Alzheimer patient requires patience; sometimes a lie.
Because only because of it, I am redeemed unto the sky."
That was a flash of genius as it relates to the topic. I see that character... using all his feeble power to catch one last glimpse of someone he loved, and he did. =( ....
Vote - AES
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