Zygote -
Some well placed commas would make your lines read better when they change subject mid-sentence
"Congratulations are in order(,) for celebration guidelines consult manual support."
I like the alliteration and the smooth flow of your words, they aren't unnecessarily choppy because of odd vocabulary.
"The rate of production progressively exceeds the projections I’ve released."
Your rhyme progression is superb. They are also subtly creative. Nearest Star Reservoir =). That makes the story so smooth and effortless to follow.
"Construction of a smaller cube using materials from Mars will begin immediately.
Two. Calculations are being completed into the feasibility using my nearest star,
The hydrogen and heavy metal atoms can fill substantial material reservoirs."
Lol.. dry wit I like it. But also a bit horrifying in its implications.
"They did not accept my offer of enlightenment,
They did not see the value of paperclips over their false sense of entitlement."
Your piece was really efficient. But it lacked depth. Your base premise had potential, the situation presented could have yielded more had you been able to answer the question of ... "how did this computer become self aware."
Also there is a huge discrepancy. There are some lines referring to how the Supercomputer has emotions. One of those emotions was something like regret and wistfulness for a time passed and even an affection for the humans that... with lack of information, is implied that the computer annihilated for failing to receive its enlightenment.
That's a little paradoxic to me. So if this Supercomputer became self aware and had emotions... it would in the end have to battle with itself to go on with it's programming or honor its feelings of attachment for the humans.
You failed to go into either areas, which could have made this piece outstanding from a story standpoint.
As it is... it's an intriguing tightly woven narrative but it's just a shade of what it might have been.
Champion Frank -
It took me a couple reads to catch the way your words flow, at first I was put off by the seeming missing words or syllables, but I told myself not to be such a ninny. I had to 'rap it out loud' and then I found where the natural pauses fell and it has a good rhythm.
"If the beer was half full - Larry snatch up the beer fast.
But pride never let him carry cans in a clear bag -
He feared that people would judge him in gone broke fashion...
But that had already happened, off the cardboard mattress.
"
I didn't like this part at all. I thought it was cheap and weak and basic. I don't appreciate the jump but I understand why it's done. It's too trite for my taste.
"He made fabric for a living; stitching’ buttons for his loving mother
Til his brother insisted he should "dump his mudder"
Long story short ya'll... Eviction is a mu’fucka.
"
I think your story is slipping.. coming out at the seams ;). This doesn't really make sense. It has good cadence, but you are having some subject verb issues.
"It hurt him to the point, where'd he just sit in his thoughts.
Cursing the god who simply left the gift of knitting some cloth"
I thought this part was good imagery even if a bit awkward.
"But mama never gave her kid a chance...
Even when customers wondered 'where they even ripped they're pants'???
She’d just faintly smile - take the thanks - wouldn’t even give a glance -
To the kid behind the curtain, working - shirt up in his blistered hands."
I was actually at the Dentist Office earlier and read their Privacy Policy terms. It feels like I am reading one of those now. There's nothing glaringly wrong with how you wrote this but the collective of off putting ingredients, wanksterish writer's voice, stretched out lines, wrong word usage, awkward phrasing, forced unimaginative rhymes, etc, really bogs down your efforts. Case in point...
"Either have my money or you’ll be asleep in your prayers!!”
Fucking bum mumbled followed by the creek of the stairs...
The next weeks he would fair(fare) fine with each task he choosed.
<------ =/
But making ties for the catholic school; ended with the wine is his flask of booze.
"
You have detailed imagery throughout the story that has great cadence especially in the 4th section.
Just finished the last line.
"& Larry would've never knew how to take a cold day and discover it's warmth"
Man I get it now.. respect bro. I just felt my chest move. Your story was like playing chess, you had to position the pieces until it was time to take it home.
I think you had too much filler, and I think you lacked polish, and that combination can really make things look worse than they are.
But man... that was a brilliant finish. I mean that. Great vision to come to that ending. See that's what Zygote's story lacked.
He told his story well and smoothly but after it ended I was left with nothing. It was 2 dimensional.
Although frustrating at times, your verse had a purpose and I leave with an idea I can take into my own life.
You gave nobility to the bums, the undesirables, that we've all seen, but never bothered to take the time to learn about. And even though we subconsciously look down on them, and maybe even though they seem meager in their existence, their actual worth to the world is greater than what we do in our daily lives of privilege. And then when you tie that message back to the topic... Well done.
Vote - the Champ Frank
|