Netcees - View Single Post - AOWL Week 8: c.d.m. (2-5) VS. Split (3-3) [SPLIT WINS, 6-2.]

Juxtaposition · 04-09-2013, 09:43 AM

"Made off with crystalline goblets, copped for bankers, jesus pieces for gangsters,"

I dig it.

Both of you wrote somewhat humorous pieces to me.

CD was straightforward but I enjoyed the roast. Not breaking any new ground here. I think you blended a reprimanding dialogue with rhymes well, that's not always easy to do. At the same time you gave a depiction of the character, what type of life he left and you had an underlying tie to the topic...

Man lives his life defined by his own terms, but really it was just a test for your place in the afterlife.

I've been going back to the Catholic Church recently, getting Confirmed, so this piece had pertinence to me.

For what it was you did it respectably. Sounds like old testament God to me, or from what I've been taught to think of him.

Now SPLIT...

I want to like this piece.... but you are very meandering man. You run around the whole block to tell me you live next store. The language and the craftsmanship is on a higher skill level then CD attempted, but where he hit like 85/100 of his routine... you hit like 60/100 of your more difficult routine.

You need to study up on the economy of words... You can be more impressive by saying less, not using more complex vocabulary. Write some Haikus lol...

I have a book about Japanese Death Poems... priests and scholars on their death beds would write one final Short poem to sum up their life. You need to give that sort of importance to each word, you have a lot of fat.

I did enjoy some of the imagery, like with the opening statement... I thought your humor was wry, not so cheaply bought.

"For the price of a million pounds- or tithe of sermons and interpretive rapture,
A SimuLink cursive of your psyche mapped, and memories relayed to the Master.
So when- with dwindling cries, heavily forced breath resembles an endeavor-"

Lol... yea... I like the tone of the story the writers voice understated but charming in a way. You take a simple idea and almost make it too much to bear, but it worked out.

Vote - Split

I enjoyed both reads thanks guys for your efforts.

04-09-2013, 09:43 AM	#12
Juxtaposition Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 65 Battle Record: 1-2 Rep Power: 38	"Made off with crystalline goblets, copped for bankers, jesus pieces for gangsters," I dig it. Both of you wrote somewhat humorous pieces to me. CD was straightforward but I enjoyed the roast. Not breaking any new ground here. I think you blended a reprimanding dialogue with rhymes well, that's not always easy to do. At the same time you gave a depiction of the character, what type of life he left and you had an underlying tie to the topic... Man lives his life defined by his own terms, but really it was just a test for your place in the afterlife. I've been going back to the Catholic Church recently, getting Confirmed, so this piece had pertinence to me. For what it was you did it respectably. Sounds like old testament God to me, or from what I've been taught to think of him. Now SPLIT... I want to like this piece.... but you are very meandering man. You run around the whole block to tell me you live next store. The language and the craftsmanship is on a higher skill level then CD attempted, but where he hit like 85/100 of his routine... you hit like 60/100 of your more difficult routine. You need to study up on the economy of words... You can be more impressive by saying less, not using more complex vocabulary. Write some Haikus lol... I have a book about Japanese Death Poems... priests and scholars on their death beds would write one final Short poem to sum up their life. You need to give that sort of importance to each word, you have a lot of fat. I did enjoy some of the imagery, like with the opening statement... I thought your humor was wry, not so cheaply bought. "For the price of a million pounds- or tithe of sermons and interpretive rapture, A SimuLink cursive of your psyche mapped, and memories relayed to the Master. So when- with dwindling cries, heavily forced breath resembles an endeavor-" Lol... yea... I like the tone of the story the writers voice understated but charming in a way. You take a simple idea and almost make it too much to bear, but it worked out. Vote - Split I enjoyed both reads thanks guys for your efforts.