Netcees - View Single Post - AOWL Week 8: Ink (3-1) VS. Vulgar (1-0) [VULGAR WINS, 7-4.]

Juxtaposition · 04-09-2013, 09:06 AM

VUL -

I think you had a smart piece. It had creative connections of ideas and language that also conveyed your writers voice with an attitude. I feel it was trying to be poetic but with words that were more mechanical than natural and so it felt like it was going in two different directions and ended up somewhat bland as a whole. You made a lot of references, which if people get them all, I understand you can really make an impact... because 1 Word can give an Idea, but 1 Word can also make a whole movie picture pop into someone's head. But if you have some obscure references readers will balk.
There is a lot of good information in there, you have strong flow at points when it comes to rhymes, but as an entirety it unfolded choppily. I guess it was lacking transitions or there was just too many things you wanted to say.

"A troop of fools went to prehistoric Sardinia to part seas & cubic roots
Civilization always remained a half-heart beat, a grueling wound…
The invading fauna that consumed Brooklyn & Canarsie was beautiful
Rivers required no dams, and papyrus sedges bunkered in ocean mists
Before the Rosetta stones, there were roses and colorless lotuses"

Really enjoyed this. The creative rhymes, slant and perfect, the imagery, the wordplay, the irony, and just the overall feel and language of it.

INK- Okay I feel you man. There was not as many literary devices or intelligent rhetoric in your writing but man... you were talking to me. You told a story, created a character with your words, built an atmosphere, created drama, gave enough depth to the situation with details and human insight, and at the end you had like a double twist...

The character decides not to do it, so humanity dies... and then you say that the machines won, because fathers always surpass their sons.

You made me go HMMMMMMMMMMM.... at the end. Your words led me somewhere, and I travelled with you and was happy at the end that I made the trip.

But by deciding not to revive a doll his daughter used to love... he was actually Vindicating Humanity at the end, so maybe the machines didn't 'win.'

VOTE - INK

Vulgar should study what Ink did..

04-09-2013, 09:06 AM	#12
Juxtaposition Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 65 Battle Record: 1-2 Rep Power: 38	VUL - I think you had a smart piece. It had creative connections of ideas and language that also conveyed your writers voice with an attitude. I feel it was trying to be poetic but with words that were more mechanical than natural and so it felt like it was going in two different directions and ended up somewhat bland as a whole. You made a lot of references, which if people get them all, I understand you can really make an impact... because 1 Word can give an Idea, but 1 Word can also make a whole movie picture pop into someone's head. But if you have some obscure references readers will balk. There is a lot of good information in there, you have strong flow at points when it comes to rhymes, but as an entirety it unfolded choppily. I guess it was lacking transitions or there was just too many things you wanted to say. "A troop of fools went to prehistoric Sardinia to part seas & cubic roots Civilization always remained a half-heart beat, a grueling wound… The invading fauna that consumed Brooklyn & Canarsie was beautiful Rivers required no dams, and papyrus sedges bunkered in ocean mists Before the Rosetta stones, there were roses and colorless lotuses" Really enjoyed this. The creative rhymes, slant and perfect, the imagery, the wordplay, the irony, and just the overall feel and language of it. INK- Okay I feel you man. There was not as many literary devices or intelligent rhetoric in your writing but man... you were talking to me. You told a story, created a character with your words, built an atmosphere, created drama, gave enough depth to the situation with details and human insight, and at the end you had like a double twist... The character decides not to do it, so humanity dies... and then you say that the machines won, because fathers always surpass their sons. You made me go HMMMMMMMMMMM.... at the end. Your words led me somewhere, and I travelled with you and was happy at the end that I made the trip. But by deciding not to revive a doll his daughter used to love... he was actually Vindicating Humanity at the end, so maybe the machines didn't 'win.' VOTE - INK Vulgar should study what Ink did..