[kannon]

LOST IN A HAZE

Story. um. Okay, so this is the first time I'm reading anything from you. Admittedly, your wording is a bit of a turn off. "embodied with warmth" immediately is weird. Embodiment is used to give a physical form to something not tangible. embodied by warmth maybe. I dont know. It's just weird. "have her conscience repaired" was another cringe worthy line. Schemes were fairly simplistic, which isnt always a bad thing, but it can come across a bit boring some times. It's a decent story, but nothing really out of the box. Kinda just explaining what happened. If his retelling of this story gets him so excited, it may have been beneficial to include some emotion and panic in the father, rather than just recounting the facts.

Zen. A more direct approach to the topic of literally being lost inside of a foggy haze. The front half of the verse set the scene nicely. Not only telling the story of them being on the boat, but kind of set it up as the B-story, with his love letter driving the piece. Keeping in mind with that, I would have liked to see you revisit that in the ending. Even if just a mention of the captain thinking about her as the ship sank, something of that nature to round out the beginning. Mechanics were good, but I hate when people drop a rhyme on an uneven bar. ie, notes/coat/coast/deck. even though you evened it back out, it kinda takes me out of my rhythm. Semantics. Anyways, I liked the idea behind this, and execution was pretty solid. I would have just like a little more inner dialogue from the captain toward the end.

Vote is for Zen