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Old 11-08-2014, 03:16 PM   #4
Vulgar
Razor-thin derision
 
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,422
Battle Record: 40-25

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Unborn - There was a lot to dislike about this verse. I thought the narration felt clumsy because I didn't know whose voice was talking or if it was a group or a population, in this case the people of Gotham. Other problems or issues were wording and grammar errors that took me out of the verse. Also, rushed instances where you didn't fully elaborate on an idea, which hurt the chances for a short verse like this to make a lasting impact. The twist was cool, the reformation of the Joker, although it didn't make much sense to me as the reader because I don't see why he would reform so suddenly, and why religion? Lol. It seemed random, and you tried to juggle too much at one time. If I can give you some constructive feedback, it would be to calm your creative frequencies when you're starting the verse, and build with a patient hand. The story will come together without you jamming additional scenes and situations that tend to clog and discombobulate the collective whole.

Witty - When you said "four years later" following the one night stand, I saw "pregnancy" fly into the radar, but I didn't expect the guy to kill the girl, lol. With short verses like these, it's really hard to build up any reason or motive and to convince the reader of its legitimacy. I'm not saying people don't kill people, but it's a very irrational decision given the context and there isn't enough groundwork for it to be considered an entertaining, viable twist. However, it was neatly written and you hit the topic.

Okay battle, I've seen stronger work from both. I know short verses are tough since you have to fit everything in there... next time maybe go with something you don't have to explain as much?

My vote goes to Witty.
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