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Old 11-08-2014, 02:54 PM   #4
Dominate
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Vulgar - great opening line. Even without the heading 'D-day' I would've guessed when and where we were immediately. Verse read smoothly, rhyming was good and none of the rhymes felt unnatural. The writing was excellent. Great choice of descriptors. The last few lines were an OK idea but I don't think the execution worked. The changing rhyme scheme/rhythm happening at the same as the "twist" was jarring. But, an excellent verse for the most part.

Dozer - cool take on the topic. I think I read somewhere that you're in the military so I guess this has a personal angle to it for you. Actually I prefer your approach over Vulgar's. The flow/rhythm was very good throughout. Rhyme schemes were also very good, but I felt like that came at the expense of the writing in parts - some strange turns of phrase eg "my dreams have just opened" ... and in other parts the word choice seemed too basic and maybe it wouldn't have been if you hadn't constrained yourself with the rhyme scheme. A couple of lines eluded to a more human element of the boots, perhaps something shared by the wearer... those lines were the most interesting to me and I think that would've been a fascinating path to explore more. Even so, I enjoyed the verse very much. Well done.

Even with the ending that I disliked and the inferior (IMO) take on the topic, I'm going to edge this one to Vulgar. His writing was more sophisticated and he incorporated his rhyme schemes within that level of writing. Great battle, gents.


V/ Vulgar
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