[Split]

Awesome topic... very strange battle

Pohfig. initially thought you went overboard accentuating the tiredness/ hesitation. good structure, not wordy. interesting word choices all around. I like how the diction mirrors the idea that youre basically, chasing the desires of pastime in the present, but since you're older you dont realize you have outgrown them. i dont think theres some nuts metaphorical relationship between the lake and and the story. i didnt catch one at least, but you used the quote well.

strange contrast between first stanza and second. I tend to not like multi-sectioned verses because theyre so jumpy and feel more like theater than a story or a song. but ok.\

When you return home you'll be replaying conversations under your breath
that you wish you could relive next summer recess.
Hunched and regressed back to the characterless life that you know -
where you runners high comes from having to sigh as you go.

haha okay i see how you pulled it together here.


i guess, also, that the serenity of the river that seems to hold still is also like, usurped by the suspicion that it can kill swallow you whole. which is a dope connection to the subject matter which may have been intentional.

even if you dont deconstruct it that much, i loved how this was packaged.


Red Glare. your scheming/ multis/ storytelling were on point. your word choice and line construction was really bad in spots and dope in others.

rove, strown, degenrate, were all poorly used

"Heaven sent roads from the cerebellum closed for connectedness."
wat

frontal lobe/ funneled globe was an awesome metaphor tho.

The wheels turning; but the minds slow to detect the strips.
We are tired; worn out; run down; flat.
But we continue to roam directionless -
Unknown elements float into my domes nebulous.

bolded part was perfect set up for a transition then ya ignored it lol.

My craft is departing - leaving behind ideas; Dust bowls of irrelevance.
The old testament of recklessness the stories of redemption; told by the treacherous

super non sequitur yo.

"These scientist say an eroding edifice can be heard barreling towards us with bestowing resonance."

a crumbling building is coming towards you, with the quality of giving the tendency to vibrate

dogggggg cmon man

bold and tremulous.

oxymoron

"The human race is fucked as we know it - cloned for it's celibance."
The Ideas turned off the T.V. and threw the remote at the television.
The 7 year boy was left to grow up in his moment of excellence.
His chromosomal genetics defied the codes of kinetics.
The devastation hit earth - sending strobes as it's messages.

1. celibance is not a word
2. second line was ill
3. chromosomal genetics is redundant... i think u meant another word besides strobe


ANYWAYS. the story itself was really intriguing... the way i read it, a kid with imagination dreams up the idea of Super Man... and his boundless imagination and vivid ideas are comic-book-like, and you drew INSANE conceptual parallels between imagination and the world of comic books...
this unknown threat pummeling towards Earth, man that "funneled globe" line made me see it could be the kids mind... and as he grows up and loses his wonder and therefore his creativity, he begins to lose grasp of this astounding will to fight present in all his stories... like his own confidence both feeds and draws from the possibility of existence, and not knowing anything allows all possibilities

then. the story became very real, ironically.. because your world is in grave threat, from changing, and when the outside world changes your perception it changes itself. reflected in Superman giving up.

ending was supreme.


FUCK. on a storytelling basis, this could fuck w/ Frank's Michael Jackson piece. Amazing take on the topic, as well.

in the end tho, I think Red Glare's ambitious schemes and subsequent poor use of language really, really tarnished the story he told... like 200 dirty needles on Mauna Kea Beach instead of sand... Pohfig's simplicity and self-contained, much less ambitious verse stood strong where Red Glare tried to make up for his mistakes in other areas... goddamit. such an awkward clash of talents. I feel like Pohfig played this very carefully. idgaf what people say, topicals ARE battling

V/ Pohfig