[kannon]

Zygote. I'm immediately taken aback by your overuse of "faggot." It just seems unnecessary, even to make the rhyme. "massive flight" is a weird enough inner dialogue that I kinda feel like that rhyme scheme wasn't really even needed. Anyways, that out of the way, I really liked the closing line of the first paragraph. Seems like exactly how that would happen haha. Also, flow is starting off super smooth. Even with the differing line length, I'm still able to flow it all together. I'm a little confused as I get into section three. Your couplet between sections mentions the beauty of paris, and then you immediately call it a filthy cesspool in the next breath. Also, if you've been dropped off at the Eiffel Tower, how are you able to see the entrance to the Louvre? It's an 8 minute drive away (10 in current traffic [yeah, I google mapped it]). I'm also not blown away by your phrasing in these next sections, particularly "the main area just before the Eiffel Tower..." and "the second place was also lame..." No real description of where you are or what you see. Just, "You know, that place." Flow starts to fall off a bit in the second to last section. It also starts to get very stream-of-conscious at that point, and not particularly in a good way. Kinda hurts the flow of the story. The ending was a bit weird to me as well. phrases like "wheelchair toilets" and "paris land" just come off super weird. And the ending was just a bit underwhelming. I like that you write in a story-telling kind of way, because I do a lot of my writing in that same vein, but this just left me a little unfulfilled.

Mike. Definitely an interesting take on the topic provided. Flow was dope throughout, if not a little short in places. The phrasing had a couple hiccups that sounded a bit off, but nothing that hindered the reading experience. "beginning renewed," seems like it should have been "beginning anew." Renewed kind of directly implies it's not the beginning. Little shit. My main complaint about this is that while I feel like you did a great job describing the scenery, I didn't feel any connection with the character. Why were they committing suicide? The only thing I see related to that is that they feel "helpless" and like a victim. Which seems like some everyday type of shit. Nothing really that would require someone to kill themselves, and definitely not much of a "sickness" at all. I like the nod to the Seine River (yeah, I googled that shit too) to tie it into the France theme. I am not entirely sure who Jerome is though. Or why you are so happy to be away from him. So that kinda made the ending weird, but otherwise I think this was a solid piece. I would only add that next time I'd like to see some more character development.

I have to admit, when I kept seeing people petitioning to get Zygote to join the AOWL, it kinda gave me high expectations. While I feel like I should like his writing style, I just don't feel like this particular piece really accomplished much as far as telling a story or invoking emotion. And for that, I have to give my vote to the better rounded piece by Mike Wrecka.

Vote is for Mike