I really enjoyed the first half of Copypat's, partly because the second half's 'Industrialization is bad' vibe was a bit hackneyed. It's an important message no doubt. Environmental awareness is always good, but the first half just blew the second half out of the water in terms of enjoyability. It would have been great just to keep the woman-environment thing going for the whole submission, a kind of ode, something really poetic. It went a little downhill from "undulating mountain ranges" onwards.
Certain, your submission suffers from too many indiscernible characters in a short amount of time. There didn't feel like enough word limit to give exposition to more than a couple of characters, perhaps sticking with the two main ones would have been more effective. You tried to give a couple of lines to every character, but I still couldn't differentiate them as a reader when the conclusion came. You did make a good image of the group as a whole, but beyond that the characters were merely similar names to me. One thing that was really cool though (and I'll probably reappropriate it sometime in the future) was the use of short dialogue to reinforce a point about a character. E.g., But at least Tom finally was old enough to stay alone. (Tom is independent) = "I'll take my phone." + as Greg connected constellations on Katie's naked chest. (Greg is aroused) = "Don't stain my dress." This technique was very good, it almost was a deciding factor here and almost differentiated the characters. However, Copypat's opening 6 lines still stand. Voting for Copypat.
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