UnbornBuddha - This verse needs to be on a cardio routine and a diet - it's waaaay too saturated with excessive syllables that a) don't add much in terms of the descriptiveness as such and b) make for a very demanding read (which stacks further with the uneven line count and the alternating number of syllables that you rhyme off of). Imagery and what you did conceptually were on point (I was really impressed by some of the free-flowing thought expressed, tangentially to the arch, while still maintaining the overall development) just weighed down by unfocused too-muchery.
kannon - two-syllable schemes makes for this jagged shout:esque delivery sometimes (PAY-ing), but your if not clever, than at least organic, implementation of inner rhymes makes for a very smooth read. I like the anachronistic scope of the imagery, letting the tone of the hip hop lyrics format seep into whatever's-at-hand is tried and true. The theme, especially expressed in essence through your last line, was agreeing with the visual impression of your assigned picture.
For me this comes down to execution, and kannon was the smoother cat, so he gets my vote.
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