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Old 10-22-2014, 06:57 AM   #8
zygote
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You have a really strong turn of phrase. I have repeated this comment to you a lot previously, but it still stands here. Using the search function I have just now read about 6 of your previous submissions, this one here is a standout in terms of phrasing. For example, "they spoke of Descartes telling me the body is a vessel, a jar musculoskeletal farce." is a really elegant description of dualism. You will often dress-down or dress-up a well known idea or concept, you present everything in such an interesting fashion. Again, the turn of phrase is the strong point.

Admittedly, one reference was unfamiliar the "we've discussed the revolution of 3008" line. Everything else was clear and super enjoyable to read. Some technical highlights were; the double-simile in the raven feathers or a company car line and the rhyme scheme with "actuality was."

Another area that was very interesting was these two lines in conjunction; "where i'm real and independent and courageous and sane" and its following line "but its molding clay and recollect and paper mache" - I enjoy this direct follow-up because the former is like the ideal self and the latter is the way in which we trick ourselves into believing we are our ideal self or are working towards becoming our ideal self. It seems like you reinforce this with your next two sentences about the 'memory race' (memory is a big part of identity - you emphasize memories that fit within your ideal self) and the delightfully realistic ending "choose to build yourself internally cause everything's fake."

I also enjoyed the mixture of eroticism and death-like imagery in the section beginning with the 'antipsychotic the capsule' line and roughly ending with 'apple juice and neglect' - with the high point of the entire submission feeling like the 'eat it like a vulture' phrase.
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