[zygote]

MY LONELY PLANET TRAVEL GUIDE TO PARIS.

I arrived feeling groggy, shoddy, kind of surly,
I was jet-lagged. It was early, like 7.30.
Singapore airlines is great. I stood up in my seat.
The air-hostesses are gorgeous. In-flight alcohol is free.
I find the spinning luggage thing, I stretch, yawn like “Massive flight.”
I saw some faggot and his wife carrying like 10 roller-bags. Good job I travel light.
I find my backpack. Taxi rank outside,
I make a tower with my fingers. The taxi driver sighs.

I arrive. He overcharged. I think he thinks I am some sort of tourist faggot,
I leave the taxi and I am confronted by the beauty of Paris -

In the main area just before the Eiffel tower the street is lined with overflowing trash cans,
Heaps of rats run around, and people beg with outstretched hands.
And there is shit literally everywhere. Everything is covered in poo.
There is dogshit in the courtyard near the entrance to the Louvre.
Thick white pigeon shit coats pathways and building architraves,
Paris is a filthy cesspool. Its skyline is a smoggy grey.

I arrive at my hotel, booked online. 3 stars out of 5.
Dumped my backpack in my single room with its single light.
I witnessed a purse-snatching, did all sorts of touristy shit.
I wasted the day away, went back and had a nap until 6.

Paris smells bad outside, but it’s ten times worse in doors,
I’ve been in some shitholes before, but this smell could kill a horse.
But whatever I rolled with it, I quickly got into my usual shtick,
Smiling, drinking, taking up a lot of space, acting goofy and shit.
Yeah this place was crap, it felt like some type of morgue,
The people that I tried to talk to acted uptight and bored.
The second place was also lame, no music. Fancy special launch.
I thought this is gay. And then it dawned, I think it was a restaurant?

The next place was better. Its décor was pretty chic.
The crowd was nicer, I settled into a little clique.
My French is bad, but I talk with my hands, using my body to speak.
I badly mimed for 20 minutes. Mostly they were laughing at me.
They were fun so I got into it, acting like a clown generally fucking around.
I did dumb shit like when I said ‘Australia’ I made kangaroo hands and jumped up and down.
The girl on my near left was eye fucking me constantly,
Earlier before I got her to pour her drink into my mouth, she had a nice body.
When I pressed up and pushed my luck she didn’t pull away.
I tried to engage her directly, she said “Aaye cunt spake anglais.”
I laughed and made a blowjob thing with my tongue in my cheek,
And I jerked my head towards the exit as if we should leave.
Her friends gave her the most dirty fucking looks, like they would unleash hell.
But I know a whore when I see one, and from that bunch I chose well -

We walk a while, she starts making out badly, she breaks off the kiss,
She goes over to a bush hikes up her dress and starts to piss -
This was in the middle of a park near the center of this Paris land.
Now I realized why the streets smell so fucking bad.
It is a filthy and disgusting city. Yet, Paris still it looks nice.
We walk more, she sees some wheelchair toilets and pulls me inside.
I fingered her for ages, and I never even got to bust my nut off,
Because after a while in perfect English she told me to fuck off.
I went back to my hotel room, stared at a ceiling stain,
And I fell asleep to the sound of car horns and underground trains.