greed, not bad. I liked this, actually. I think your main problem is just connecting thoughts in a more fluid and thought provoking manner. It's almost a bit too predictable, and a bit too corny at times. Making the content strain and that has a domino effect. With a few tweaks this can be awesome and pretty entertaining, just work on your technique, the flow, and how you deliver things. Like in some segments you got your point across, but there was no trademark 'greed' to it, it was just a average writing that said what you were saying.
now pan
Quote:
numb to the mosquito bites we'd scratch in the morning.
Sapped, yet renewed. Back to the dew, at a liminal point,
far flung, a fling all trepidation, linen, and joints,
adolescent, vacation in Summer. Impatient, uncovered;
carefree.
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this is a signature case of rehearsed thought.
primarily the end, when you say trepidation, linen and joints. I feel as if it's signature to you, that you have this phrase in your head and you repeat it to yourself, and finally just now, said it, and wrote it. I have a lot of things in my head that I'll think to myself, and when I write it, it's so rehearsed, so cleverly crafted, that it has no hiccups, no disjointed measures, and it's literal perfection. I feel this is one of those lines; I could be terribly wrong, and 50% chance I am, but the brevity of it suggested a quick assimilation, but not necessarily lazy, just; perhaps genuine. This isn't registered technical feedback, as it is a more directly linked emotional one
Quote:
Putting the bottle back on the shelf,
I try to to remember your name, fail, then laugh to myself.
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lol, usually when I write these quick lines, they end up being the most genuine, or one of the most genuine, well - no not the most genuine, but the most understood without the meaning of layering context. This is simple, and to the point. And I get where you went with this, we get caught up in a flurry of trysts in such a small amount of time, in our lives - that they become a blur. Like they say, you don't remember what happened, you just remembered how it made you feel. You don't remember who they were or what, you just remember the feelings. The lingering pain, the lingering ecstasy. That's still in tact. That's a beautiful little line. I think you're more like me in a emotional sense when writing. Unlike many others, where they provide a layer of meaning ontop another. You just possess a better understanding of diction and the usage of words to define that. Where someone else would rely on metaphor, you rely on instinctual phrasing. Which is actually what I do most of the time, because it just reads crisper. It reads more genuine, and it connects better.
When I quoted the mosquito, that is so simple, but it is evidently there. Where as another writer would not put it so simply, yet - majestically. It was just placed nicely. Tiny crafts of wordings that just deliver. It's so simple, yet, direct. The emphasis on minutiae is evident here. I like the how you take my advice a year later, lol. jk, though the year seems like a few weeks, I think you take my advice more seriously than others, because I can see what you're practicing in each writing you compose. I feel this may have been a tiny draft that never finished, that you finished just now.
Overall I liked this piece, I think if you're trying to combat, a lack of motivation, or boredom, or really trying that you try to make it fun for yourself also while maintaining a bit of discipline. Try mixign factors that make it fun for you, like something you think that comes easy to you (whatever that may be) and mixing it with disciplinary writing techniques, like something that makes it a bit more...confined, but try mixing these two elements so its also fun while rigidly entertaining
v/pancake