Quote:
Originally Posted by UnbornBuddha
This is a disfigured hand structuring itself as it clasps particles.
Deformities are shaped anew by upgrading outclassed arsenal.
Angst is marginal when fulfilling all the past karmic goals of your passed departed soul.
As for me, art and prose has consumed my very life, my heart a harnessed poem
A modern scroll depicting useless facts passing Go, monopolizing my cerebral cortex lobe.
Its info summarized as encoded notes of gnosis that takes on a corpus form.
In search of eternal growth archaeologists excavate more corpse bones
An endeavor grounded in the hopes of uncovering the source of our worldly woe.
|
if you want my honest opinion, this beginning section could stand alone as a "whole piece", and is quite a work of art. flows great.
the rest is good, but not As good-- the beginning outshines it all.
i'm going to take the liberty of guessing that perhaps you had the beginning part already written, and added the rest of it, or wrote the rest of it afterwards at a later time.
then later,
Quote:
Every time I torture myself in film my camcorder stops...
...Who would have thought a reporter’s thoughts will open up Pandora’s Box.
|
This is one of the dopest couplets but it required me removing the line in between them...
i never would want to "edit" or "change" anyone's work. but i HAD to show you that couplet. come onnnn. read it. lol. you wrote it not me.
perhaps i'm self-absorbed, but another reason i like the pandora's box line is because it reminds me of our spars.
anyway what i'm about to say is subjective, since it's text not audio. but, the beginning part, aside from being the best writing of the piece, requires less effort to rap. the rest is good but one has to "decide" more often which parts to enunciate or emphasize.
that "diagnosis" is different for You of course, since you wrote it. i'm speaking of me, and probably speaking for other "speakers" as well.
heh heh. keep on writing. use your own style but keep improving it,as you are.