Muzz- I really wanted there to be a third stanza titled "and THIS motherfucker goes WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE all the way home". Alas, there wasn't one. But anyway. Your approach was fairly obvious, but your story building was not half bad. My biggest issue with your verse was probably that the rhymes were too few and far between. I think, as a beginning writer, you should stick with rhyming in couplets at the end of the line. The only writers I've seen pull off anything else with success are people with a deal more experience and skill. I read your verse from last week as well as some of the feedback you received, and I think you've done a stellar job of taking some of those comments on board. This verse was better by leaps and bounds. Keep improving!
Witty- you seem to be getting not-so-positive feedback... Maybe others who know your writing better expected more from you. I confess, I don't remember reading anything from you before. I knew your reputation and so expected you to be good, but even so, I thought this was great. The online dating approach was slightly different, and connecting the two experiences of sexless love and loveless sex through the same character gave the peice a better rounded feeling. I'm impressed by your multis - overwhelmingly, they feel natural, effortless. I thought you did a great job developing the character and his online relationship. Thoroughly enjoyed reading this.
V/ Witty
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The Bad Guys
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