[Lars]

I don’t want to knock this incase you take it to heart, but I feel like I have to in order for you to grow.

I probably did these same mistakes a million times over as I was younger, thinking more technical ability was where it was at and that rhyme schemes and multi-strings would enhance my storytelling or topical pieces.

The fact of the matter is, to someone with over ten years of this shit, without finding that balance between the two – it just doesn’t connect with the reader like it should. Too many mechanics make stories a boring read. They need space to breathe, so you can expand on things like imagery, character development, dialogue etc.

Far too much of this piece was told as “I”, why would I as a reader give a fuck about you or what happens to you? You’ve given me, as a reader, no mental image of what you look like. What you smell, hear, how you feel, what makes you tick, why you felt like that. There is nothing to connect me, as the reader, emotionally… to you, as the lead character. So it falls flat right away. Feel me? For all the unnecessary try-hard decorative schemes and intricate multi-syllable rhyming, it lacks the substance it should have. It’s hollow. The mechanics strangle any life it has IMHO.

For what it’s worth you’re a little like Oatmeal, but everyone who is anyone can carry a multi string on for lord knows how long, it’s not new, it’s not hard, it’s not even that impressive when you’ve seen it a few times. I’ve wrote entire pieces around the same thing for Gods sake… What I’m saying is, you have potential, just try not to let yourself get bogged down by focusing on the wrong things. Learning when not to use them is just as important if anything, and try not to alienate some of your readers by using over-elaborate verbiage when others would serve you just as well.

I know I might sound like a hypocrite, I’m guilty of everything I just said and probably more in my past, it’s just I’m grown enough to see what I was doing wrong and adjusted accordingly so I feel I’m more than qualified to offer this kid advice.

Don’t shoot me down for coming across like an asshole, I’m genuinely just trying to see you well on your way.

Keep that pen moving.