[Certain]

I owed you feedback from the Short-Verse Topical Tournament semifinals, and I'm glad I stumbled across this verse when I finally got time away from my busy work schedule to even us up. This was very good but a bit uneven, with a few references and lines that threw me off the trail a bit. I'll start by quoting my favorite passages:

cliffside, like a melody I've all but forgotten
the scent of you can bring it back. the crack of a whip
madame of the mist. cancer sticking to my flesh like a cyst
woodwind rifts like wooden rafts descending the styx
overthinking every action was as simple as this
cymbal crash. symbol status, shallow side of the pit
pluck your heart until it snaps, like instruments. be that your wish
carnal red the growl and fang to empty your gaze
pulsing veins like all those strobe machines we worshipped at raves
eyeball pressure, sinus affection. searching for dissonance
blacking out electric funerals we turned into christenings
it's not your business where i ended up, i left you a message
you never returned the favor so i never regret it

There's a lot going on in that section. You reference cigarettes enough that I can't help but associate "madame of the mist. cancer sticking to my flesh like a cyst" to the smell and sight of a woman smoking in your presence. The first word in that section seems like an allusion to one of my favorite verses by you, "Cliffside." But I really like the musical images and the way you shaped them into a very modernist form. I'm picturing 2010s synth pop here, rather than the more common allusions to a time past. Your writing comes alive so much more when you weave in a central theme.

a silhouette like splinter cells and private detectives

Awesome, awesome image.

stupid as a motherfucker. older than new
the type to hear a blatant lie and hope that it's true
sure as oceans are blue. there's a ghost in your room
hiding in your breath. let the poison pollute
spongy soil in summertime, her rose was in bloom

I like when you blend the transparent with the opaque like this. This is a good sample of what makes you such a great writer.

Now, that leaves about a third of the verse that I didn't like as much, so let's talk about those sections:

truly unattached to any character plot
pick the rose, let it pool your blood. remember me not
as the devil grasses drop into a central crevasse

It was tough to dig into your flow, much more than normal, at the start. That third line really threw me, I guess because I'd never heard the phrase "devil grasses" but also because the cadence was way off. You hit stride quickly after, though.

vegetation in the pottery. flamethrower the beverage

I don't know why, but this didn't set right with me even as the lead-in to my favorite line of the verse. Weed in a pipe, I guess?

the wind, it cries like something grinding gently against it
when everyone's enthralled i feel so uninterested
falling back on attitude, habitual penchant
black sledgehammer in my skull to make a lasting impression
obscure the stars like camouflage was smoky perfume
draining Morgan like i traded 40 golden doubloons

The wording was a bit off here. The idea behind that first couplet was great, but you didn't deliver it with the same smoothness I expect from you. "Enthralled" might not have been the right word. That was kind of the case throughout this six-line run, where your wording didn't seem quite as graceful. "Golden doubloons," for instance, is redundant.

so i'm gauging bloody roots to harvest all of the fruit
overdose and act like i was forced to abuse
hatred fucking china dolls, i've seen Mulan in the rouge
I'm not saddened by it anymore. I'm only confused
why nobody seems to realize theres nothing to lose

Something about the way you ended this sort of reminded me of "I'm in It." There's a degree of shock-value that I don't expect from you, which I suppose made it effective but didn't really work so near the end. The last couplet was just a bit more trite and obvious than I'm used to from you.

Ultimately, I liked this verse quite a bit. Nothing was bad except maybe that third line and the Mulan reference. Thanks for the read.