Zygote - I haven't really read much from you on here but from what I remember on SvW you are a pretty good writer.
I like the concept you created here about artificial intelligence taking over the world, but it feels drawn out and repetitive with the excessive use of the word paperclips which often drops your flow due to the stretching of the bars.
From a creative stand point your peace was done decently in telling the story from the first person perspective of an AI lifeform, but the execution I felt could have been done better. Just my honest opinion.
Frank -
"Being a bum wasn't a easy life; he didn’t have much Alfredo money,
Potatoes running over hot peas, nah see...more like buttered bagel money.
Just another aged old dummy? Look deep into the stitch engravement.
Those were his niggas shivering with him living on the city pavement.
If he hadn't knitted blankets, those frigid days would still hover with frost.
& Larry would've never knew how to take a cold day and discover it's warmth."
Really summed this whole peace up and brought it together at an end. It was stylistically well written and the wording is good throughout.
I enjoyed how you carried the story through his journey of becoming homeless and the means by which he gets by and learns to use his surroundings rather then rely on technology.
There are a few places in the piece that you do lose flow, but you tended to pick it back up fairly quickly.
I like the take on the topic from you more then I liked Zygotes spin, but you both brought something completely different to the table.
Creatively I have to give you the edge, because your story was composed and complete, it had a beginning, middle, and end.- One of my favorite quotes ever is. "Every story needs a beginning, a middle, and an end, though not necessarily in that order."
In that regard you also edged out Zygote because his piece felt uncomplete as the story never drew to a conclusion or any epiphany moment.
V/ Frank
Well presented from both, Overall I feel like Zygote could have taken more time and come with a more honed verse, overall it felt a bit rushed, an as I saw how quickly he had it finished I can understand why it was that way.
-X
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