[PancakeBrah]

Camp Bell-

Not bad. Not bad at all, really. You're lines being SO. EXACTLY. matched in length bugged me. You purposefully did it. Spent time parsing words, paring down, to make it just so. Let your freak flag fly; go a syllable longer or shorter here or there. It's scary, I know. But trust me it'll be okay.

I thought this was really accessible, without being overly simple. Which is something a lot of writers could take to heart. The rhymes were very smooth, and although they weren't uber-complex or anything, they never felt intrusive (except for the use of stupor). I think your first person take was good, and there was a bit more depth here than I expected coming into it. I like it, sometimes, when writers take an extremely literal approach to the topic. Can be more creative than some far-flung metaphor tangentially related to the picture. I thought you captured some emotion here, albeit pretty surface level. But I liked this, a fun read.

YDK-

I've been staring blankly at your first line for a few minutes now trying to figure out wtf it means. Are the demons, who destroy souls, the hole in my logic? Or, are the souls, that are being destroyed, the hole in my logic? Usually one line being a bit off isn't a problem, but when it's your opener it presents a problem. My gut reaction after reading that line is to stop reading. It seems way too try hard intellectual/deep, to me. Then again, I'm some sort of moron so maybe I'm missing an obvious meaning.

Anyways. I'm with you from your second line until 'less cautious'. You're making a point and setting up the payoff/tie-in to the topic (I'm assuming; writing this vote as I read). Then the author line doesn't make a lick of sense to me. It sounds cool, and poetic. I just don't know what the fuck you're trying to say, or how it relates to the previous lines. *reads the rest of the verse*

I liked everything else until the end. Well, maybe not liked. But it made sense and had some strong lines/wording (capitalized 'taste' and the parenthetical phrase) but the ending has me off a bit. So, this is written from the perspective of someone who's fiancee recently died right before their wedding. So what's the purpose of the body of your verse? She died from drugs, or the system currently in place that deals with addiction? There's no concrete tie, but that's the assumption I'm working with. May be wrong? I just think this was all a bit disparate, with some serious issues in terms of clarity and intent.

Camp Bell was strong where YDK was weak; accessibility and fluidity. YDK had some nice sections but I think Camp Bell took this pretty easily.

v/Camp Bell